Killing my Subconscious Loser Mentality

Regain your determination now.

Photo by Shamia Casiano from Pexels

I think it’s worth noting that this is going to be a reflection of my personal experience that I hope others will be able to relate to. If you know a better way to your own determination, trust that (and feel free to share with the rest of the world as well).

I’m twenty-six years old and don’t feel like I have much to show for it. But what I do have are experiences. My grandfather tells me that experience is every time you make a mistake. I have quite a bit of experience.

For too long I’ve had a bad habit of pulling away and shutting down when I’m not getting what I want. When things haven’t gone my way in almost every area of life, I’ve been a little brat about it — completely shutting my love down and getting in my own head to convince myself that it’s best to run in the complete opposite direction because it isn’t for me. Whatever “IT” is wt the moment. I know for a fact I’m not the only one who does this, so I’m writing about it.

I’ve read a lot about resentment and how to let go of it, but I honestly didn’t realize I was resenting. I would try to let things go so that I could be “all better”. Okay, I did the inner work. Where’s my prize?

That’s how to think like a loser. It took a lot of stillness to really understand what I was doing because I was doing it at such a deep subconscious level.

The crazy thing is, I thought there was something wrong with me and there was. Over time, this way of thinking manifested as the desire to do something, minus the will to act. It’s not until I realized that showing up for myself is all I can do — and that is so powerful. So many people are worried about not receiving a love they aren’t willing to give without wavering.

This state of mind definitely speaks to my behavior as a child. It also speaks to this moment in time where there are so many options that we don’t feel as compelled to abhor giving up. We simply just settle on the next available lily pad when the one we’re floating on isn’t worth the journey downstream.

I finally had enough with myself. I realized what I was doing when I was looking at an outcome I was attached to and realized one of the most important truths I’ve experienced thus far — putting in the effort will yield results in one form or another.

If the word effort triggers you, you’re the very person who needs to read this. I didn’t want to put in the effort because I was afraid I’d make it all the way to the end and see nothing. Where I picked this fear up I don’t really know nor do I care. The important thing to note is that by personal experience I have already disproven this countless times. The reasoning mind, however, is going to put its two cents in thus suggesting the glass is half empty.

The reason you have trouble determining what it is you want is probably because you’ve given up internally on key things you know you want in the first place that are pieces of your puzzle. This is actually very deep.

You didn’t get love from a particular person so you internally threw a tantrum and said, “well I give up on love then.”

You lost some money or made an exchange that you regret and all the sudden. “Well business isn’t for me I guess.”

You had one rejection in pursuing your dream and now it’s, “I guess it’s not meant for me to live my dream.”

So you resolve to settle in your mind and that’s where you begin to lose yourself.

Today we activate that determination again — that willpower to move forward. It is NOT too late to believe in all things good for yourself but first it takes honesty. What are the things you want that aren’t showing up the way you would like in life.

How are you reacting to these things not showing up? However you have reacted IT IS OKAY! I’ll let you in on a secret. I’ve reacted downright ugly to the way life has shown up for me in the past, and while I wish I had responded differently, I’m happy to say that I didn’t know what I was doing for so long. Why? Not because I get to drop responsibility for how I responded, because I don’t. But because after all that time I’ve still been able to turn this attitude around from discouragement to belief and forgive myself for my old ways of being.

The Missing Link

In my opinion, I think the missing link between the attitudes and the clarity we need lie within our relationship to perseverance. If you don’t have faith in the value of a principle, it can be hard to constantly act on principle. The reason why people live by principles is because they have stood the test of time as something worth living by to SOMEBODY. Perseverance is being able to stay the course despite doubts, fears, failures, or whatever form the smog takes.

Being able to bounce back from a loss and not allow it to affect your effort is a must. If you want to achieve great things, it really must be YOU and YOU. Don’t worry about what other people have and are doing because when you show up as your best self with guided intent and a good heart, you will see doors open that weren’t in front of you before and that are definitely not in front of those around you because the doors to success are meant for the ones who show up. Believing in your desired outcome — truly believing — means showing up no matter what, everyday.

Spence The Modern Emcee is a freelance rap artist and writer. Custom rap songs can be made to order through his website or on Fiverr. Also check him out on Tik-Tok, Spotify, and Apple Music.

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