My Battle with the (Water) Bottle
I drink more water than anyone I know. I reach my recommended daily intake of 64 ounces before lunch. I have a voracious appetite for water. I drink it in the car … at my desk … in meetings. Aside from coffee, water is generally the only beverage I drink. I might drink a Coke if I’m feeling crazy. I’m fairly psychotic about my beverage intake and, consequently, also use the bathroom more than anyone I know.
Through the years, I’ve owned countless water bottles. Some I’ve lost. Some I’ve broken. Some I’ve given up on for some reason or another. There were conference give-a-ways, office freebies and the one my son brought home from camp by accident.
The water bottle to which I’m currently hitched is a translucent charcoal-colored 32 ounce Camelbak Chute. I think this is The One. There are two elements to this revelation of hydration — the vessel and the lid.
A vessel is a vessel is a vessel, and as such, there’s nothing particularly noteworthy about this one, aside from its capacity. It’s the largest vessel Camelbak makes and I just had to have the one that holds the most water because, well, you know, I drink so much water. Besides, having to go to the water fountain two steps from my office a few extra times during the day is such a bother.
The lid? Let’s just say, “Not all lids are create equally” and that’s where I was sold. The lid is the reason I purchased this product. You’re probably thinking, “You might need to seek professional help.”
That may very well be the case. Regardless, the Chute lid is a life-changer. The screw-on lid has a twist-on top, which is tethered to the vessel by a plastic collar that fits neatly around the top of the vessel. The screw-on top fits neatly into the loop handle that juts out from the lid.
According to the Camelbak website, the lid has an “ergonomic high-flow spout” and is “angled and contoured for efficient, full-on hydration.” I don’t know about all that, but the only way there’s a mess is if I miss my mouth, which isn’t completely out of the ordinary.
Unlike my previous water bottle — that Camelbak Eddy my son mistakenly brought home from camp … that I LOVED — there is no flip top mechanism, no rubber nipple, no straw, no mysterious innards that do nothing but collect bacteria and stink to high heaven after a few days’ use. Have you ever tried to drink from a water bottle while holding your nose? It’s not easy … from what I hear.
Unlike the Eddy, the Chute never loses suction. Unlike the Eddy, the Chute won’t leak because of a broken rubber “o” ring that fits inside the top of the lid. I can’t count the times the Eddy’s straw popped off, there was an air leak in the rubber nipple or I’d find a puddle of water on my passenger seat.
Regarding marriage, it’s been said, “You know when you know.” Yes, I know the Chute is definitely The One. Since water became a “thing” more two decades ago, I’ve been searching for the perfect water bottle. Coming to the decision to stick with the Camelbak Chute has not been easy.
In my halcyon days of youth, I dabbled in bottled water. I’m not proud of it — think of all the damage I did to the environment and all the people I annoyed with the awful sounds bottled water bottles make when you handle them. There were countless one-bottle stands with Aquafina, torrid, months-long affairs with Deer Park, blind dates with Dasani. In fact, I was engaged to Poland Springs for a hot minute but just couldn’t commit. Twelve, 16, 32 ounces, it didn’t really matter — which ever I could pick up at the store. I was an equal opportunity water drinker.
On my journey, I even went through a stage where I would refill and freeze plastic water bottles I bought at the store. Of course the water had been run through a Brita filter. At various times, I’d fill these water bottles from a Brita pitcher, Brita dispenser in the refrigerator or a Brita faucet filter. On the plus side, I’d have a freezer full of frozen water and always have ice cold water. On the debit side, there were more than a few times I had to wait for the ice to melt.
Some said I had self-esteem issues, but whatever. I heard all the jokes. People would talk behind my back. Friends emailed me videos of comedians like Jim Gaffigan, who posited “How did we get to the point that we’re paying for bottled water?” and mimicking taking a sip, said “Mmmmmm … This is more watery than water.” Lewis Black wondered in his stand-up act if “Aquafina” was French for “the end of water as we know it.”
Both comedians performed riffs about the nutrition label on water bottles and how asinine they were.
But you know what? I went through ever water bottle I had to go through to arrive at the point I am now. And that point is a committed relationship with my Camelbak Chute.
It’s a good thing I began searching so long ago. I’m sure I could not put in the time and effort today that I’d need to find The One. Who has the time to “pore” over water bottle websites? Now I’d play more of a lazy center field and wait for the bottles to come to me.
Maybe it’s because I’m old fashioned, but come on. These water bottles today are out of control. A simple search of “water bottle” on Amazon.com returns 382,548 results. Sizes range from under 10 ounces to more than 40 ounces. The most popular size range is 20–24 ounces, which returned 360,286 results. Among those 382,548 bottles, I have no less than seven materials from which to choose: stainless steel, aluminum, BPA free, plastic, glass, metal and nylon. Seriously, there’s just too much choice.
In my years of searching, I’ve tried a number of brands of water bottles — Camelback, Nalgene, Contigo and countless other nameless bottle brands — and I always return to the Camelbak.
But even Camelbak has me scratching my head at this point. A cursory search of the brand’s website reveals a manageable number of products from which to choose. But the selections within the categories are mind boggling.
Of course, there are the usual Eddy and Chute, but do I really need a water bottle that contains a plant-based filter? Try the Groove. How about a water bottle that doubles as a purification system and “utilizes proven UV technology to effectively neutralize microbiological contaminants to EPA standards?” Try the All Clear. (It comes with purification meter, rechargeable lithium ion batteries and a USB cord). How about water bottles that are branded with the Camelbak 25th anniversary retro logo or the Conservation Alliance logo? Got ‘em. There are even a dozen kids water bottles with designs ranging from foxes to the sea.
No thank you. I’ll stick with my simple water bottle with the twist-off top. I better watch what I say or I’ll end up sounding like some grumpy old comedian wondering if “Camelbak” is French for “the end of water bottles as we know it.”
