#2 Going Up a Down Escalator
I don’t hate school because
it’s boring
or because my teachers are mean.
I don’t get bullied
and it’s not so challenging that I can’t do it.
Granted, I don’t like waking up at 6:30 every morning.
Did you know that waking a 14 year old up
at 6:30 every morning
has the same effect
as waking up an adult at
2:00 am?
And because I’m a teenager
I obviously stay up late
on my phone
texting my friends
or my boyfriend about the latest gossip
right?
Well maybe once I
get out of school
I drive straight
to work then home.
I do my homework
and chores
and shower
and sleep.
So the excuse
“I’m just tired”
isn’t a lie but it’s not the
truth
either.
I am tired.
I’m a lot more
than tired.
I’m stressed beyond belief.
Part of it is just me.
It’s been this way
for six years.
I can’t
help
it.
This constant nagging in my head,
telling me to
be better
get my *stuff* together
just relax.
Well I can’t just relax.
Not when
my relationship with my dad is crumbling to pieces,
when all my friends are wanting different things from me,
when I’m getting called a spoiled rich bitch
for buying myself a nice jacket with
my own money.
Not when I can hear my mom and stepdad fighting at
2 am
and thinking about how long two and a half years is.
School was supposed to be my safe place.
A place where I could do what I was good at
and succeed
and be the best.
School was my chance at escape
from all of this.
But it gets to a point where it’s just a little
too much.
Where I’m sitting in class
thinking about nothing in particular
until I’m thinking about everything,
in particular,
and the tears well up.
And the teacher thinks you’re crying over a stupid map;
You’re not crying over the stupid map.
You know there’s no time to do the stupid map,
and your grade isn’t going to like that.
And every time your grade
slips
your chance at escape
slips.
It’s a never-ending cycle
where doing the most
to succeed
winds up being what ruins it.
