How I Absorbed The News That Stephen Bannon is Now Officially The Most Dangerous Man in The U.S.A. - And Why I Haven’t Slept Since
by Steven W. Rouach
As many of you probably already have, I recently read the news that Stephen “Doctor Apocalypse” Bannon has been promoted to simultaneously hold the top two positions in the USA, that can best further his life-long goals of becoming an actual, real life, super-villain.
I though it might be interesting to share, not the actual news articles, which I’m sure you’re already familiar with, but instead, how my brain received and translated this information into things I can possibly ever, ever comprehend.
So, below is the article(s) I’ve read, after they were filtered through my brain.
BREAKING NEWS: Trump Changes Title of Stephen Bannon Position From : Reich Minister of Propaganda of America, to “Reichsmarschall” (Reported by Steven W. Rouach).
Donald Trump has decided to replace the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Joseph F. Dunford,
(As recently seen on the cover of: “Guys Who Look Like They Can, And Will , Save Us All From Simultaneously Being On Fire, Because Somehow, They’ll Find A Way — Magazine”)
With Stephen Bannon (As recently seen in the New England Medical Journal’s Annual “Top 4 Things That Make Infectious Diseases Seem Very Charming, 2016”) .
Bannon, best known for his obvious resemblance to “What a James Bond Villain looks exactly like, whenever his evil scheme backfires on him, and Bond uses his own super-weapon-that-melts-humans against him”, is very excited about the new post.
The position also replaces: James “Big Round of Applause” Clapper, as Director of National Intelligence, partly due to Trump’s insistence on, the eventual banning of the word “intelligence”. (see related article: 17 common words Donald Trump plans to remove from the english language.)
Mr Clapper is best known for preventing millions of Americans from dying horribly in ways they can’t even imagine, such as: radiation poisoning from automated killer bees, stolen Oompa Loompas infected with typhoid, and Killer Artificial Intelligence Robotic Dr. Phils,
as well as more generalized threats, such as: us all simultaneously getting blown up, and then going -”boom”, followed by the sounds of human organ splatter, as we leak from the inside to the outside.
A task James “Let’s All Give Him A Big Hand” Clapper, had been successfully performing for several years.
According to my very diligent research, Mr. Bannon’s very exciting NEW title will now likely be “Reichsmarschall” or “Marshal of the Empire”, and will encompass both posts of the men he is replacing.
The results of a brand new poll about this event shows:
35% of Americans were very pleased by this decision. When asked they all collectively responded — “We feel like what we need now is a really good war to help us from having to defend our various random life choices, or an allowed, US authorized, attack on our own soil to distract all those with any opposing views.”
On the other hand, 65% of Americans: have not been seen, nor heard from, and are missing under very dubious circumstances (as all their dwellings had a mussed up look and their doors were still open, signifying possibly being dragged suddenly from their homes), and because of this, have not yet been able to respond to our poll.
Earlier today, a seemingly elated Bannon held an official press conference stating:
“The pieces are all in place. The Ancient Prophesy has been foretold. We will drink the sacrificial offerings from the Chalice of Khoma Brut’s Tears of Blood. We will collect and ingest the twelve souls of the Vermissen Goddess, and together, break the Warding Circle of Protection. Bwa ha ha ha … Bwa ha ha ha ha”
Shortly after, he ate an entire live, screaming, goat in front of a shocked and stunned press corps, enraging PETA activists.
He then continued: “The press will die by my own hand as did that goat. I will see that you all suffer, and breathe the sweet vapors of your terror”
Also in the news:
SUPERMAN PLEASE SAVE US — I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME WE NEED YOU, YOU’RE TH…………………………..”
FUN FACT: Every time you hit the little “recommend” heart on the bottom of the page of one of my stories, an angel gets its wings, instead of plummeting to a horrifying certain death due to winglessness.
c2017 SWRouach.
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