My Relationship is Going Great and Other Alternative Facts

For the past two weeks, I have been making my relationship great again with no help from anybody, including my useless boyfriend, Jared. My relationship is phenomenal. It’s the best relationship in the history of relationships, and I did it all myself. No one helped me. Ever. I was the only woman for the job.

Jared and I moved in together last week, and can I tell you, that the housewarming we had — it was a gorgeous housewarming, really classy stuff — was one of the most attended housewarming parties in the history of housewarmings. There could have been one — two — million people in our one bedroom apartment. It was much more popular than the previous tenant’s housewarming party, I’ll tell you that much.

There has never been a mandate so big for a relationship. All of our family, all of our friends, everyone wanted me and Jared to be together bigly. I tweeted that Jared and I went on a date. It got 11,000 likes. It’s incredible. It’s incredible how much the people love our selfies. And Jared is so happy. Boy, is he happy. He’s never been happier in a relationship before. I did that. Me.

Due to concerns, completely legitimate concerns, over the security of my relationship, I have placed a ban on any and all new friends. Jared is not allowed to bring new friends into our apartment. Now, this isn’t a total ban. (Do we even have to call it that? Except, to be clear, it is a ban).

I just want to be sure that the right kind of friends come into the apartment. Country club friends are fine. Work friends are welcome, as long as they’re executives. I’m putting a stop to friends from the gym, friends of friends, and anybody who knows Ian. I haven’t met Ian, but I know that Ian is a bad hombre. Ian loves whiskey, and so how are we to know if Ian will bring new friends with him who will want to ruin the apartment? I’m not saying Ian is bad (except I am: what a bad dude) but he might know bad people. And I mean, they could really destroy our Ikea Ektorp Sofa, throwing my relationship into complete and utter jeopardy.

Jared loves the ban. He’s in complete and utter support of the ban. He loves the ban so much that I could say it was his idea, except that it was mine. The ban is a completely reasonable thing. Plenty of girlfriends have done it before. The language I used was ripped straight from a movie, that’s how usual it is.

So far my “ban” has only affected one or two guys, who were certainly bad dudes (they may have even been involved in the Bowling Green Massacre or from that hellhole, Chicago. If Chicago doesn’t get it under control soon, I may have to call my parents). True, I didn’t let them know until they showed up at my door. I buzzed them into the building, but then I left them in the atrium for hours. I couldn’t have done it any other way. If I had let them know about the ban a week ago, they would have had time to make an appetizer and squeak by. And then how would I be putting my relationship first?

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