One Hundred Days

The sheer magnitude of responsibility associated with the office of President of the United States has awed and humbled some of the most powerful men in history, and Donald Trump is no exception. In just 100 days he has been almost magically transformed from a self righteous demagogue into a self righteous demagogue with nuclear codes. So I thought I’d take this opportunity to summarize some of the great accomplishments he has already achieved in this short time.

First, we were all relieved to find out early in Trump’s term that he found Frederick Douglas alive and well and making great strides in the fight for racial equality.

Great strides were also made in the fight to repeal and replace Obamacare as Trump and his fellow republicans, with no help whatsoever from obstructionist democrats, figured out that providing affordable coverage for all Americans while simultaneously making drug and insurance executives rich is actually really complicated.

He showed strength in the fight to ban muslims from entering our country by firing every single member of the judicial branch of government that he could, namely Sally Yates.

He also showed some long awaited strength on the international stage by fracturing three metacarpals on Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe’s right hand.

He showcased his legendary negotiating skills by convincing outspoken vegan and health fanatic Chris Christie to eat meat loaf.

He put an end to all these ridiculous rumors about Russia by firing communist sympathizer Michael Flynn and dropping a huge bomb on Afghanistan.

He showed his commitment to American industry, particularly the entertainment industry, by not firing Sean Spicer and Kellyanne Conway.

He made significant progress in the effort to make Mexico pay for the wall by giving up trying to get congress to make us pay for it.

He exposed former president Barack Obama for using leftover drones he kept from the White House to spy on everyone in the country.

He continued to keep his tax returns a secret by signing an executive order requiring the IRS to audit his taxes forever.

And if things go as planned with North Korea, he’ll get to dust off our nuclear weapons and we won’t have to worry about anything anymore.


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