Treevenge

Director: Jason Eisener Writers: Rob Cotterill, Jason Eisener Stars: Jonathan Torrens, Sarah Dunsworth, Maris Morgan Country: Canada Language: English Release Date: 7 July 2008

Treevenge” is a modern cult classic, which has become something like a tradition to me. I watch it every year to make these holy days a little more tolerable and to get into the Christmas spirit as painlessly as possible. It’s one of my favourite shorts and one of my favourite Christmas movies in general (you got good taste, not). A 15-minute short film from the promising Jason Eisner, who directly after this directed one of the best homages to the horror-exploitation genre of the 70’s and 80’s, the “Hobo With A Shotgun”. Those of you who haven’t watched it, watch it as soon as possible (I’d rather watch my feet).

You could say that “Treevenge” is based on true events (no, I can’t). Every year just before Christmas, a genocide happens in every Christian country of the world. Millions of firs are been viciously mutilated on the altar of profit. Entire generations are extinguished and their corpses are defiled, to decorate the houses of their murderers in the name of love and solidarity, which of course doesn’t exist just as the fact that they celebrate, a birth that didn’t happened of a God that doesn’t exist (shut up!).

“SHUT UP!”

The festive film begins with a bunch of chlorophyll-thirsty manic lumberjacks, slashing and cutting their way into a neighbourhood of firs. Small children, parents and grandparents are violently torn from their roots. Their screams of agony and the cries for mercy are answered only by the roar of the chainsaw. Of course, we see and listen all of this from the tree’s perspective (of course!), we are watching from their eyes (?) and listening from their ears (??). Another proof that plants have feelings, so I don’t want to hear any more excuses from vegans, if you want to be called a human being (a Christian human being), you will only eat dirt!

The ugly trees are the lucky ones because they die first, escaping the humiliation of the trade. The pretty ones on the other hand, will leave their last breath of carbon dioxide after they suffer so much, that they’ll regret the moment they were sprouted. They will end up at the marketplace to be sold as inanimate objects, experiencing demeaning inspections by middle-class families of anthropomorphic creatures for an absurd ritual and it’s macabre recreation, for the entertainment of their carnal sprouts.

“Your place is inside the fireplace, not next to it”

This year things will be different though. On Christmas Eve a miracle will happen, the vengeful spirit of Christmas will possess the homes of Christian families, and in particular their Christmas trees. On Christmas day, when children gather under the balls (the Christmas balls) to open their presents, the trees will also give them a present, a slow, painful and above all funny death. The firs will get their hardwood revenge on literally everyone in the most festive way! What the trees have been through at the beginning of the film, the humans will at the end of it. Children, parents and grandparents will be torn apart in front of each other’s eyes.

“Eye for eye? Leg for a twig! “

Buckets of blood, dark humour, practical effects and a soundtrack straight from the 80’s, including the opening theme from Cannibal Holocaust! Blast from the past. Now that I mentioned Cannibal Holocaust, Elai Roth’s Green Inferno was such a disappointment. It wasn’t all bad, but it didn’t met my expectations at all, and the hype that was build around it just made it worse, what a missed opportunity to revive the cannibal sub-genre.

“We want to be a part of the remake trend too. Grow some balls …so that we can rip’ em off …with our teeth.”
(The short film)
(Cool poster)
(Cool GIF poster)
(Optimistic New Year’s greetings)
(The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit says, three out of three!)
“Have yourself a little marry Christmas

Originally published at evil-reviews.blogspot.com on August 15, 2017.