Do you know me the most or the best?

Until a few days ago, I thought that my childhood friends knew me the best. Whether or not they were emotionally invested in the events that I went through or comprehended them, they existed in those times. They were aware of the trauma my family put me through, the pain I had to endure to get to where I am, and alas, the beautiful clearing of the hazy fog that suffocated me so much of my life. Whether they sat in the second or third row or in the very far back, they were there on the cliché but very real rollercoaster of my life.

Having seen me go through so many events and realizations to my current self — wouldn’t that warrant them to know me the best? You would think so, but no.

I realized this when a childhood friend said I was shy and reserved, which I am 100% no longer of either. I am direct, (politely) confrontational and entirely upfront if I see a benefit to the involved parties. I no longer hide my weaknesses to appease the group or concern myself with collectivistic worries or self-conscious doubts as the past couple of years, focusing on myself before others in a mindful and spiritual manner has been a major priority.

Today, I am the most confident and strong-headed (but understanding, I think) person I’ve ever been. I am wholly open about the experiences I’ve been through and my feelings at the moment. If this makes any sense, I feel the most ‘me’ I’ve ever felt so the people I’m becoming friends with now, the people getting to know the most ‘me’ that’s ever exist — they know me the best.

To know me the best is to see me just as I am today without any preconceptions, biases or weight from the past. I am not who I used to be or the events that I have gone through. To know me the best today is to see through my act of shyness and reservation. It’s to know that however I act or come off of is more of a choice to act, even on the most minute matters, wholly with intention. It’s all about me now, not most of me from the past.

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