The trap of If-Then thinking. It’s ruining your life.
I remember being about 6 years old and wanting a toy. I begged my mom to buy it for me. I told her, “If you buy it then I will be good for the rest of my life.”
Well THAT didn’t come true.
Or in high school, if I could just have the right clothes/car/hair/body/boyfriend, I will be so stinking happy.
Naive and innocent but so revealing how early we begin to believe that If I get this thing, then I will be set.
It’s learned thinking handed down through our parents, who learned it from their parents. It’s taught to us by life. It’s absorbed through advertising and things like Facebook with perfect people in perfect shape driving perfect cars and smiling their perfect smiles. “See,” our brains say, “happiness comes from having something we don’t currently have.”
How many times have you thought these if-then scenarios?
- If I have a new job, then I’ll be happy.
- If I get that promotion, then I’ll be set.
- If I have this person in my life, then I’ll be complete.
- If we could just have a baby, then our marriage will work.
- If that person would just change, then everything will be better.
And please, please tell me how many times did you get what you thought you wanted only to find out, “Oh crap, it isn’t true. I’m not happier/healthier/more popular/complete.”
How our brains play into the If-Then game.
Our brain only knows what we tell it or show it through our emotional response to things. The more emotion we have about something, the more the brain believes it to be true.
So when we see the skinny girl with the handsome guy in the convertible car laughing and living it up, we want that. We want it bad. And a belief is formed. But because you aren’t aligned with your “truth” and who you are in your heart, you’re really just trying to fill an empty space with stuff.
Once you do the work of letting your ego-self go, understanding your patterns and self-limiting thoughts, and generally getting your sh*t together, these If-Then scenarios will be a rationalized way to think yourself happy and whole. Which then fails and leaves you If-Thening the heck out of something else. And on and on.
Sometimes the If-Then is a way to escape the accountability of looking at the cold hard truth.
I remember thinking in my first marriage that if I could just tiptoe around my husband and be who he wants me to be, then he won’t feel the need to be abusive. If I could just be skinnier and prettier and funnier. We’d be ok.
Yowza. Hard to think I bought into that, but I did. And of course I couldn’t live up to it. No matter how thin or quiet or tiptoey I got, our marriage was doomed. My husband was abusive. I eventually got the courage and the self-confidence to leave. I just needed to be accountable for my wrong thinking that it was me and not him with the problem.
The trap of If-Then thinking is tricky. It can be addictive. It can be mesmerizing. It can seem real.
If you are telling yourself at any time that if you have X then you will be Y, you’re playing a fool’s game. LET IT GO. Stop yourself. Identify why you think it, why you feel it, what are you really in need of?
It’s probably about feeling worthy. Feeling like you fit in. Needing to matter and prove yourself. Needing control. Looking good for others.
And the only thing that helps any of that is to do the work of internal excavation. I’ve written a whole series of articles on that. But suffice it to say, pay attention to your If-Thens. Write them down if it helps. It’s the first step toward understanding what’s been driving you to unhappiness rather than to the happiness you thought you’d have.
“Stuff” and attainment does not make anyone truly, deeply happy. Loving yourself and embracing your worthiness does.
“But Laura, if I had a gagillion dollars then I really would be happy. My bills would be paid, my life would be cake, all would be amazing,” you’re thinking.
No.
You’d buy more stuff, run out of money and still be trying to plug up that empty space inside of you. Because as long as you’re still you with all that wrong thinking about who you are and what your worth is, nothing will make you happy in your deepest soul.
Haven’t you heard of all the lottery winners who ended up miserable or penniless or suicidal? It’s true. Money isn’t the fixer we think it is.
It’s freeing to be aware of this stuff and it’s truly courageous work once you start doing it. You’ll expose your ego’s dirty laundry, but don’t let it freak you out. Just talk to it. Tell your brain a new story. One that involves you being a genuine, kind and loving soul that shines so brightly when you give that light a chance to do so.
