Grieving Belief

To my own shock and dismay, discovering the meaning of life came from the arduous process of losing all that I knew. When I stopped attending Church at the age of twenty, it meant cutting ties with the community I relied on and trusted. Throughout the confusing years of high school, a youth group made me feel like something made sense and provided a consistency I needed.

As the youngest of four kids, I set myself apart by becoming hyper-religious so I could be seen as the good girl. I said ‘no’ to everything most American teens enjoyed: rock concerts, under-age drinking, dating, etc. My greatest ambition was to marry, ideally a church pastor, have kids, and relinquish the responsibility of substantial decisions.¹ It appeared that many women in this role were happy and satisfied in their lives. Caregiving comes naturally to me, so it seemed like an easy outpouring of an area of strength. Christian ideals were especially instrumental toward shaping a people-pleasing attitude in my personality.

My family was not particularly religious aside from Catholic rites of passage and my Mom’s unique interest in non-catholic Churches. Participation in church was initiated by my Mom — the first person I strived to please. The meaning it brought to my life was tremendous. When I graduated from high school and started thinking for myself, the narrow-minded values of Christianity no longer sufficed. It was simply the long-awaited truth being revealed, much the same as the Easter bunny and Santa Claus myths.

Entering adulthood, I was stunted by believing every worldly opportunity was an offence to god. Without reference to what the Bible said or the church believed, there were unanswerable questions in my life. After all, the Bible was deemed god’s holy word and I had read the entire length of it in 2001. How was I going to make decisions about a career or family, and what future was really possible? My self-esteem, to say the least, was rather low. It was really hard to make friends outside of the church while I struggled to connect with secular interests.

I spent many years mentally displaced, absent from present sensations, and lost in my mind. This was the third major loss in the recent few years. My parents had divorced the year I graduated high school, and my brother was in a major car accident the following year. Many small steps, plenty of therapy, and a continuous interest in consciousness has brought me to a current place of balance.

At present, I am completing a book titled Recovering from Christianity. It was a cathartic experience to expel my innermost truths in reflection of life both in and out of church. I feel empowered to express honestly about this loss and endeavor to connect with a community of agnostates. As we are, “people who need people, are just people who need people”, I see now how everyone goes through the process of learning about themselves and finding meaning in life.²

Within the context of cultural norms, we are doing what we know through conditioning and behave with the need to belong. By writing in reference to issues of the soul, doubt, and discovering a new spirituality, my life seems to have come full circle after the loss of a christian worldview. My motto in life now is: try everything once (maybe with exceptions like charming poisonous snakes or ingesting ricin). I may have put a lot of weight on the words of the Bible in my youth, but maturing through adulthood is a creative opportunity to study and reflect on language and the meaning it carries.

In our darkest hour, alone and afraid, there is the tiniest of light

The Spirit says, “it is Me, go toward it”

It is painful and harsh

The road is unpaved and needs tending

But you are made of divinity

You have everything you need

So gather up your things, no matter how small

And take the next step

This is all that is required of you

¹Capitalisation of proper nouns — Church, Christianity, and God — is alternated with lower case to emphasise the loss of significance to these names from religious institutions.

² LCD Soundsystem. (2007). Someone Great. On Sound of Silver. DFA.