How Christianity Encourages Codependence
And how to recover
I grew up in a conservative evangelical Christian environment: my family was very religious, plus I went to Christian schools, weekly church, youth group, and Vacation Bible School each summer.
At the same time, I developed some unhealthy relationship patterns like codependence.
Christianity didn’t make me codependent — correlation is not causation, and all that. But the two were closely intertwined, and both are things I’m happy to be free of.
What is codependence?
Codependence comes from not having a sense of self, so you look to others for approval and identity. When you grow up with parents or guardians who say or imply you aren’t good enough, codependence can develop as a result.
According to therapists, some traits of codependent people include:
- Low self-esteem
- People-pleasing and obsessing about what others think
- Having weak or no boundaries and struggling to say no
- Being passive-aggressive and afraid of conflict
- Looking to others to define who you are
- Trying to control others through seemingly “nice” acts like trying to get them a new job or apartment
Essentially, your life revolves around others — not yourself.
How Christianity reinforces codependence
Many Bible verses encourage codependence, as does evangelical church culture. Let’s look at some of those harmful messages.
1. Put others first and yourself last
The Bible says to make others the center of our lives, whether it’s Jesus or the people we’re “serving.” (I put serving in quotes because, in my experience, Christian service is often condescending and self-righteous.) The theme that we get last priority comes from Bible verses like “The last shall be first, and the first last” (Matthew 20:16), “Consider others as more important than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3), and “Seek first the kingdom of God and all these things [food and clothing] will be added to you” (Matthew 6:33).
Unhealthy alert!
For me, putting others first went beyond “serving” them to what psychologists call overfunctioning, or being overly sensitive to others. I tried to read people’s minds and was hyper-attuned to their actions. For example, I would ask someone if they were hungry when I actually was (and didn’t realize it, because self-awareness wasn’t prized in my Christian circles). If they weren’t hungry, we wouldn’t eat, because how dare I be hungry?
I didn’t know how to ask for what I needed, so I assumed my friends didn’t either and that I had to figure it out for them. I did a lot of stupid martyrly “suffering in silence” because I thought my needs mattered less than others’.
These behaviors aren’t Christianity’s fault, although it certainly reinforced them. I developed them growing up as a way to cope with my family dynamic: a quiet, judgmental dad who occasionally exploded in anger, and a mom who bent over backwards to be the Good Christian Wife who anticipated and met all of his needs. Arguing was scary and meant my parents might get divorced — the worst-case scenario for a Christian kid in the ‘90s — so I learned to avoid all conflict. (I’m still trying to learn that fights don’t mean someone is breaking up with me.)
A healthier alternative to “put yourself last” is “put yourself first.” Yeah, I said it! Learning to prioritize your needs is the only way to be of service to anyone else, like the saying, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.”
2. Think little of yourself
Today, I know it’s normal and OK to be proud of things like my growth and skills, but the Bible taught me the opposite. “Pride brings a person low, but the lowly in spirit gain honor,” says Proverbs 29:23. And definitely don’t talk about anything you’re proud of: “Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; a stranger, and not your own lips” (Proverbs 27:2). “If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness,” says 2 Corinthians 11:30.
False modesty is apparently where it’s at!
As a child, I didn’t have the complex reasoning abilities to grasp the difference between healthy self-esteem and being a haughty, arrogant asshole. So I grew up valuing self-deprecation instead of confidence. Children need encouragement and reassurance to think for themselves and try new things, not the message that they should downplay themselves!
3. Never say no
Total sacrifice and surrender are a big part of Christian culture. “God doesn’t want part of you; he wants all of you” was a common message in church and school chapel services. Romans 12:1 says, “Present your bodies as a living sacrifice,” and Romans 6:13 says, “Offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness.”
Withholding anything was a sign of weakness and sin. “Give to those who ask, and don’t turn away from those who want to borrow,” says Luke 6:30. “If anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well,” says Matthew 5:40. (Uh, I need my own shirt and coat!)
Apparently our entire lives are just for God’s use, and we should be doormats. That’s one of many all-or-nothing stances that conservative Christianity encourages, rather than a nuanced view of service and generosity that preserves healthy boundaries.
The truth is, being exhausted and sacrificing everything is a shortcut to resentment. I’m all for generosity, but it’s codependent to put others’ well-being above your own. I’m not going to jeopardize my mental or physical health for a higher power or a congregation that thinks they’re entitled to it.
4. Don’t trust yourself; submit to cishet white guys
One aspect of codependence is an inability to think for yourself, and my Christian communities definitely reinforced that. As a young girl, I supposedly couldn’t know what was best for me, know what my needs were, or trust my innately “sinful” desires! Instead, I had to ignore my intuition and critical thinking skills and trust pastors, principals, and my dad. Not a very healthy way to grow up.
My evangelical Christian communities didn’t care that the Bible’s gender roles were thousands of years old; they used them to oppress women and dismiss our thoughts and experiences. “Let a woman learn quietly with all submissiveness. I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet,” wrote ultimate misogynist Paul in 1 Timothy 2:11–12. It was extremely controversial when the local conservative Christian college appointed its first female teacher (gasp!).
My school, church, and family all took it for granted that men — especially straight white men — were supposed to be in charge, because they thought that was God’s will, which not-so-coincidentally reinforced patriarchal systems of oppression.
Today, I value thinking for myself, questioning authority (in a non-assholey way), and being the own ultimate decider for my life — not some church elder that God has supposedly appointed.
Healing from codependence
I didn’t even realize how codependent I was until a friend invited me to Codependents Anonymous. I ended up attending meetings for about two years. I don’t go anymore, and I hate that 12-step groups are so God-centric, but the group helped me recognize my relationship patterns that weren’t working. I’d been trying to control friends and partners through gifts and doing “nice” things, worshipping them and putting them on a pedestal, focusing on their needs instead of mine…and then getting resentful when they didn’t bend over backwards to do the same for me. Yuck!
Learning about codependence helped me see another way Christianity had damaged me — and then start to heal.
In addition to leaving religion and Christian communities, mindfulness and meditation have been key. After decades of tuning out my gut and ignoring my needs, I’m learning to listen to my body and intuition.
Here are some new beliefs I’m working on:
- I am inherently worthy, not broken or wrong or inferior.
- Self-care ISN’T selfish! It’s a requirement!
- I can set boundaries and say no. If other people get mad, it’s their problem.
- My needs aren’t annoying obstacles or inconveniences; they’re signals to pay attention to.
- My thoughts, ideas, and opinions are valid — I don’t need approval or permission.
- People will ask me for help and advice if they need it. Otherwise, don’t try to solve their problems.
- When I’m tempted to control or take care of someone else, turn that attention back to myself. Check in with my body — what do I need?
- Conflict isn’t the end of the world. It’s normal and healthy, as long as you’re both honest and respectful.
- I get to define who I am and what I like, not other people!
It’s an ongoing process, and sometimes it’s hard, but it feels a million times better than codependent behaviors!
Resources for codependence recovery
Recovering starts by examining unhelpful beliefs like “I’m not good enough” and realizing you’re inherently worthy, not sinful. “As you heal, you will begin to learn that the only person’s validation you ever needed was your own,” writes Lisa Romano, a life coach who focuses on codependence and narcissism.
I can’t overemphasize how helpful therapy has been. The Secular Therapy Project is a great resource to find a therapist who won’t push prayer or faith as a solution. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) in particular is a type of therapy that looks at old beliefs and narratives that aren’t working for you anymore and creates new, more helpful ones.
There are also lots of books and YouTube videos about codependence. Melody Beattie’s Codependent No More is an old classic, but be warned that she mentions Jesus. Boundaries by Henry Cloud is another popular one. Stephanie Lyn is a life coach with a great video about how to recover from codependence. Lisa Romano has some good ones too. (I don’t agree with everything she says, but some of her videos have helped me.) If there’s a codependence-related resource that’s helped you, please share it in the comments!
Ultimately, know that healing is possible, and there’s nothing wrong with you. You don’t need religion or anyone else’s approval to be yourself and live a happy life. You are good enough, just the way you are. ❤️
