Marriage Advice for a Non-Religious Spouse

Do not get all the way to the alter, pretending to be religious!

It will backfire…in a big way!

I know from experience.

During the courting and dating period, it’s common for people to get swept up in the religion of their newly acquired infatuation.

Our nature pushes us to assimilate and find commonalities to share, that will make you a strong couple.

But beware…

…these emotions are steering you in the wrong direction.

Sorry, I don’t mean to sound dramatic.

I’m sure you’re picturing thunder and lightening with ominous sounds and voices behind this commentary.

I’m just trying to help.

From an insider’s perspective.

I’ve seen others fall into this trap as well.

I currently have friends that I know who are piously pretending.

Even started attending Sunday morning worship to find a “church girl.”

It wasn’t long until they did just that…and then some.

It all seems great, until the walls of Jericho come crashing down. Without even the satisfaction of the ear-piercing screech of a ram’s horn.

Now, the hard part is wondering if I say something and potentially ruin the lifelong friendship…or watch in horror, as lines get crossed and planes start flying in each others’ lanes!

Invisible lanes?

Sky lanes?

Are plane trajectories called lanes?

I stayed quiet, because really it’s not my place to tell people what to do.

Unless you read my stories.

Then you’ll get unsolicited advice that you have to follow.

I mean, it’s on the internet right!?!

In any fashion, it’s too late, you didn’t follow my advice, you got married and then it hit you.

Uh oh!

How do I tell my new spouse that I don’t believe what they believe?

How do I break it to the family…on both sides?

How will we raise the children?

How did I get myself in this mess?

Luckily, you have me as a friend.

I too, was a victim of my own demise. But I turned it around.

It’s definitely not easy. But it’s not impossible either.

I’ve broken it down into steps as an easy to follow guide:

1. Don’t panic!!!!!!!!!!!!

They’re more afraid of you than you are of them. Oh wait, that’s wild animals…and only some. Like, the smaller ones that are not bears.

Seriously though, your spouse is just a person. So pump the brakes on thinking things will get ugly. They probably will a little, but there no sense in worrying about it yet.

2. Act normal

You didn’t grow 6 new heads, you just don’t believe the same thing as them. It’s okay, there are plenty of things you disagree on that you’ll find out sooner than later. Just remain calm, cool and collected. Keep being you.

3. Bring up the subject in passing

Subtly hint that you’re not really feeling particularly godly recently. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. You can say that you’re thinking a lot lately about the world and your place in it. Since we all do that, often…it’s not a lie.

4. Be ready with some short answers

If your spouse asks you questions about your current theological thoughts…use a lot of “I don’t knows.” Not only will it help you remain neutral, it’s also true. It’s the most honest answer a person can give, if they don’t know the answer.

5. Slowly pull away from religious events

Mention in passing or when asked that you might not go to church this Sunday, cause you don’t know how you feel about it right now…even though you know exactly how you feel about it right now.

6. Have the talk

Don’t make it a big hoopla, just state the facts in a neutral respectful tone. Something along the lines of “ya know, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about religion and I just don’t think I believe the stories anymore.” If your spouse is caring, genuine, and there for better or worse…they’ll hear you out.

7. Prepare for silence…or screaming

You just dropped a bomb, and not the bathroom kind. It will be a shock. There may be tears and long bouts of silence…or anger. But it’s not you that caused it. It’s the culture and traditions of where we are in the world. You are just expressing how you feel…and you have a right to do that.

8. The questioning

You will get a million questions, ranging from how did the universe come into existence without a god? to what am I going to tell everyone? This is normal. Remember, you’ve had time to think about this. Not so much for your spouse. Give them time to think and reflect. It’s best to give short, concise answers…and be sure to sprinkle in a lot of “I’m not sures.” Because for a lot of things, we’re not. I cannot stress enough, the importance of being kind, respectful and compassionate during all of these phases.

9. The acceptance

Between 3 months and 5 years later…hopefully not that long! Your spouse will likely move on and have a better understanding of your worldview. Especially if, you’ve gone through the last 8 steps with kindness and respect. Now you can focus on the things you do have in common…and you’ll learn not to do this again.

10. The more serious talks

The future, the children, the family rituals. You discuss it all and you’ll be able to ask open and honest questions about how you want to raise kids, if you will attend religious services at all, and in what capacity. This is where the real you will meet your real spouse. Hopefully you hit it off, for real this time!

This is not a guarantee that it will work out. I have seen friends in this situation that follow these steps to a T…or try to. But a fundamental block is standing in the way of their relationship continuing. It could be from either side.

It’s best to avoid this situation altogether, if at all possible.

But look at me.

I came, I saw, I messed it up, I got it back and I’m here to tell the tale.

I hope this has been helpful and not scary.

Or just scary enough to make you act right through this.

You phoney baloney!