My Midlife Melancholy

Ever sit and wonder what you’re wondering about?

That’s me, at least, that’s me now.

I feel an overwhelming sense of dread…sometimes. Very rarely. But more often these days.

I think I’m at the point that people call a midlife crisis or a midlife slump.

I’m not finding it particularly difficult to sleep, or function in any capacity.

Just thinking too much.

Thinking about stuff. Not regretting anything.

Just overthinking about thinking to think.

I wonder who also thinks or has thought this way. It’s quite an unusual feeling.

I wonder who else will feel this way.

From what I’ve researched, it’s normal and it will subside…eventually.

I’ve heard that as you get older, you accept more about your place in the world and accept your own mortality.

I don’t know if I’ll ever accept my mortality…as I’ll always have a fear of missing out.

There will be some video games I never get to play, there will be some movies I never get to watch. There will be members of my family that I don’t get to meet.

But that’s life, that’s humanity, and I am unabashedly human.

For some people, having the assurance that you’ll go somewhere after this life gives them comfort.

I don’t have that. To me personally, this is our one and only life. Everything I want to accomplish has to happen in the here and now.

Before it’s too late.

Like I said though…I don’t really have any regrets.

I recognize that I’m highly privileged and this crisis is a first world type issue. For all intents and purposes…I’m quite spoiled.

I’ve never held myself back or had anyone hold me back from achieving my goals…even if that includes going back to school for teaching in my late twenties. Most of the students were in their early twenties.

I felt old then.

It’s funny how you can feel so old, while the older generation looks at you with a yearning for your youthful state.

I’m still learning.

I’m still taking courses to better myself.

I’m still working on kindness and acceptance.

I think these are things that never end.

Well…until the end.

My wife and kids have been very supportive.

I haven’t tried to buy a motorcycle yet…

…but I do have a few more years left.

Hopefully.