Repression or Obsession?
The Strange Relationship Between Christianity and Sexuality
One of the complaints against Christianity by the secular world has been that Christianity is repressive in its approach to sex. While this is true in one sense, it has been my experience that there is also a strange obsession with sex and control of sexuality by religion. The days of simply not talking at all about sex are over, and instead in many Christian circles it seems that the community feels they have the right to know who is doing it with whom, and most importantly: when it started.
Purity is a “selling point” for Christian single ladies. Many young women feel the need to broadcast their virginity through open displays such as “purity rings.” I joined that club as a teenager. Now I cringe to think I ever needed to assure the young men around me of my virtue and virginity. Now as a mother, while I would hope that my daughter feels she can talk about sex with me as she gets older, I also want her to know that she is not obligated to tell anyone when she makes that intimate decision to become sexual with someone she cares for and trusts.
Growing up embedded in a deeply conservative religious family and community, I felt immense pressure where sex was concerned. That pressure was twofold. On the one hand, more pressure was placed on females than on males to maintain sexual purity. If things went too far, it was typically the girl’s fault. After all, guys could not be expected to control themselves if given the “wrong signs,” or exposed to a girlfriend dressed inappropriately. This attitude ran so deep that I knew of middle aged women who still were afraid to tell their own husband that they were date raped at a young age because they felt responsible.
When I started exploring what the Bible really said about sex as a curious teenager, I found little help there. I discovered that according to Old Testament law, if a virgin was raped and didn’t call out for help, she was considered just as guilty as her attacker who assaulted her. Also, the “punishment” for a man who raped a virgin was that he had to marry her. That being the case because she was now “damaged goods” and no respectable man would marry her. She would have to live with a male relative her entire life and never marry, or become a prostitute to support herself. But how is that fair to the girl who was assaulted? I am not sure there is a fate much worse than having to marry her attacker and continue to be raped by him for the rest of her life. It’s appalling to me as a woman to think about.
So on the one hand the responsibility to maintain purity falls predominantly on the woman or young girl. On the other hand, keeping a husband completely sexually satisfied so he doesn’t “stumble” into bad thoughts or infidelity also falls upon the woman. In the New Testament the Apostle Paul puts forth the hopeful ideal that all Christians could be content single and live a celibate life. Realizing this is unlikely to be the case for most, he allows for marriage as the alternative for those who cannot control their “passions” and “burn” with desire. So marriage is basically reduced to a sexual outlet; that’s its purpose.
As a teenager I listened to a number of hormonal teenage boys talk about how once they were married “anything was legal once they had the license.” Basically they saw marriage as their opportunity to do pretty much whatever they wanted to their wife whenever they wanted to. There was little consideration given to how the young woman might feel, and the concept of “marital rape” would probably be dismissed as an oxymoron. This attitude was unsettling to an innocent young women who felt like she didn’t know what she would be getting into with marriage. Some young men also said that they would not even kiss a girl before they were married because they just didn’t know if they could “stop” themselves. Also not comforting. News flash, guys: women would like to be romanced and move at a more gradual pace.
In my twenties I had female friends in dating relationships who talked about their plans to lock themselves in the bathroom on their wedding night. Probably an exaggeration, yes, but it still spoke of an attitude of fear and feeling like they had no real control over what was going to happen next. Basically the ancient view of wives as “property” persists even now among many conservative religious communities.
This obsession with “purity” reaches a level that is downright creepy at times. I have to ask myself why these middle aged religious leaders want so desperately to know what sexual activities the young men and women in their community are up to. If a committed young couple who love each other want to get married, why does the pastor marrying them need to know when they first had sex or if it has happened yet?
When I was engaged I made the error in judgment of asking a pastor who had been a mentor to me in college to perform the wedding. When he discovered that my husband and I were already living together he became very judgmental. He informed me that in the past he would have refused to do the wedding altogether, but now he was condescending to still go through with it. Basically he was saying I no longer deserved a nice wedding because I was not a virgin bride. I was crushed by this judgment, although it really should not have surprised me. When I broke down in tears at his harsh judgment, he turned on my husband and blamed him for my emotional reaction, asking if he felt guilty for what he had done. Blaming my husband was very unfair, given that he had never pressured or coerced me. I felt safe with him, I trusted and loved him. Not having come from a religious background, I was hoping that meeting my pastor friend would be a positive experience for my husband. But the reality was quite opposite.
After that hurtful day I decided that having that pastor as part of our special day was no longer a good decision. It didn’t matter to him that Jesse and I have a great relationship, that we scored very high on the relationship and compatibility test he gave us. That everything showed that we had a nurturing and life-giving relationship. It was ruined in the eyes of that pastor because we had already become sexual in our relationship.
This may all seem like water under the bridge after six years of being happily married and starting a family together. But the truth is that these attitudes toward sex affected me for years. Ever since my teen years I felt guilty if I even fantasized about sex. It’s hard to flip a switch from feeling like you shouldn’t even think about sex to feeling like sex should be great and always satisfying, especially to your partner. Despite having a patient, loving partner who made me feel both safe and good about myself, I had a lot of subconscious anxiety around sex. Two years into our marriage I finally went to a sex therapist because I was still dealing with a condition called vaginismus. This happens when a woman’s body automatically tenses when trying to have sex and the muscles around the vagina tighten or spasm, making penetration very painful, if not impossible. It’s not voluntary and very hard to control, even when wanting to participate in sex. Despite being “turned on” or “into it,” the subconscious continues to think sex is bad and dangerous and attempts to deny access. It’s very frustrating. It took months of meeting with a sex therapist to work through the condition and finally have painless intercourse.
During that difficult time I did not feel good about myself. I felt like a failure as a woman. I couldn’t experience sex the way I had always wanted to. And I was haunted by the idea that I was being punished for my “sins.” I knew if I were to go back and talk to that pastor or countless other religious leaders that’s what they would tell me. It was my shameful secret for a long time. The reality is, it was a result of all the pressure and judgment and fear that had always surrounded the topic of sex.
I was fortunate to have a patient and loving partner through it all. Many women facing similar challenges do not have a supportive partner to help them. Too many innocent and inexperienced girls end up in marriages where they are still treated more like an object than a person. While the argument against sexually explicit movies is that they “objectify” women, I would argue that many of the conservative Christian views on sex are equally objectifying. At a Christian music festival I saw a young man wearing a t-shirt that said “Sex before marriage is like putting yourself on the used car list.” If comparing a human being to a used car is not objectification, I don’t know what is. Is any human truly less valuable based on their sexual past? And if so, what about those innocent victims of sexual assault who had no choice or control over what happened to them? Are they any less of a person because of an experience their body went through?
So much very personal and sometimes long term damage has been done to people because of these attitudes towards sexuality. The stigma around sex has led to many premature marriages where a young couple who has not known each other very long rushes into marriage because they are eager to experience sex. After marriage they actually get to know each other, and sometimes find that they are not compatible.
Which brings us to the issue of divorce. The major issue with divorce? Sex. Some churches even teach that if you do get divorced for an issue like abuse or your spouse leaves you, you should not get remarried because entering a new sexual relationship, even in remarriage, would still be a “sin.” They take very literally Jesus’ teaching that a man should not divorce his wife for any other reason besides unfaithfulness. A teaching that was probably in place to protect women since only men could choose to get divorced, and a woman who had been divorced by her husband had very little future and might be forced to become a prostitute just to survive. The sad reality is that many churches are more concerned with sex outside of marriage than they are about domestic violence. Many teach that while a divorce can be granted if the other spouse has had a sexual affair with someone else, they do not recognize domestic abuse and physical violence as grounds for a divorce.
Under this current system, a woman’s body never really belongs to herself. Fear, shame, and guilt are used to continue to control women’s sexuality. For women who don’t want to lose the relationships in their religious community, sometimes there is no escape from this system. But it is possible to find freedom, and it doesn’t mean being exploited like the fear-based propaganda has convinced many. It’s possible to find a relationship built on respect and trust and equality. In such a safe space it is possible for a woman to explore sexuality at the pace she is comfortable with. It doesn’t have to be nothing, and then everything all at once. But this requires a relationship that allows freedom, where neither partner is seen as a possession. This should be a basic human right. Marriage should be about making a commitment, not a property transaction. Sex slavery is illegal, after all.
