Soul
Chapter from Recovering from Christianity
For all of my life, I have been curious about the supernatural, attracted to the unseen. Falling into line with Christian spiritual practices was easy for me. It gave me an outlet for a seeking heart that yearned for experiencing the divine. There is divinity in Christianity. People are engaging with the spiritual plane with a perspective of themselves to be children of God. God is a Master, King, and Ruler of all. Our role, consequently, as humans is to be enslaved servants, acting out as weak and lost. The Biblical stories are told with an attitude of reverence for God whilst emphasizing the despicable nature we embody. How can it be that God is capable of jealousy, anger, and murderous rages, yet put in a position of supposed perfection, without flaw? We, as people, are framed in a position of being inherently emotional, albeit sinful, and simultaneously expected to behave with love, kindness and peace. Not that Christianity has a history of maintaining peace, however, the teachings of Jesus are of such values. And, what I know of Catholic beliefs includes the tracking of our deeds and an earning of heaven based on our success of living in alignment with god’s commands.
I was taught the salvation story of Jesus and how accepting him into your heart to forgive you of your sins was the only way to reach heaven after this life. When I was sixteen and got baptized, it was emphasized that my purpose was to spread the good news and save other souls for Christ. Accordingly, I had the power to determine if other people went to heaven because if I didn’t tell them and they never heard, it could mean eternal damnation. Holy cow! That’s a huge responsibility! Especially for a shy mid-western girl who always did as she was told, the sentiment cut right to my heart. I worried about everyone! I worried about my parents, siblings, extended family, neighbors, teachers, strangers, and on and on and on. I am going to heaven when I die, I believed, and I wanted everyone else to go to heaven too.
Now that I have found the courage to extinguish such guilt-ridden meaning in my life, there is no longer the burden of saving everyone else’s souls. The concept of having such power, however, still carries on. When I reach states of bliss, ecstasy or even find joy in doing a dance, it is my immediate impulse to seek how to share this with other people. If they do not also reach this state of ecstasy, I fall prey to guilt for doing so. There is so much weight on how I affect others, and it must be in a so-called good way, that I lose myself over and over again. Specifically, if someone is on the outside looking in, lost in pain or displeasure, I go running to save them. Yes, this desire is virtuous. I am naturally a helper, healer, and am fulfilled by improving others’ lives. It is damaging, unfortunately, when having strong empathy leads me to giving so much, leaves me with symptoms of depression, causes anxiety, and I get swept up in a whirlwind of turmoil.
Effectively, I have been on a path to re-defining who I am and what I believe. It is truly a lifelong process. Thus far, learning how to heal by practicing massage therapy, studying transpersonal psychology, and embarking on altered states of consciousness is a reciprocal give and take. Whether it is learning how to temper my anger or having the capacity to be with someone else’s rageful experience, growing into a self-actualized person is a true calling. Reflections of pieces from within are witnessed in the dramas around me while manifesting a soulful purpose. Being human inherently requires forgiveness — of ourselves, each other, and the divine mystery of life.
