Ten Evangelical Maxims
Translated into side-splitting honesty
We’ve all heard them. Every evangelical community echoes them over, and over, and over again. It’s only when you question them that the fig leaf starts to slip…
1.God is in control. Translation — My child has a terminal illness. That hurricane is headed straight for our town. And on top of all that, I’ve been laid off from work. But all of that’s okay because I keep remembering that God is in control. If I let myself despair about any of this, I will have failed God and demonstrated my lack of faith. Then I will feel guilty on top of it all. So I’m going to keep saying it in hopes that maybe God won’t send any more calamity my way.
2. The Lord works in mysterious ways. Translation — There is no way I can justify why God allows such devastating tragedy in the world, or why my family member was stricken with that horrible disease. But God is all-powerful and 100 percent good and correct. So in order to make that true, I’m just going to call it a mystery and go sneak a bottle of something really spiritual.
3. The Lord is calling me. Translation — I really want to do this thing, but some people aren’t going to like it. So if I’m going to be allowed to do it, I’ve got to appeal to God’s authority. This way, If they nix it, they’ll be disobeying God. I just hope they don’t say the Lord is leading them to oppose it. I hate that. Why does God do that to us, anyway? I hope his ways don’t get mysterious this time.
4. I’m not perfect, just forgiven. Translation — See, I’m not a hypocrite after all! In fact, I have a get-out-of-hell-free card, and you don’t! I can be as cruel, vicious, inconsiderate, and greedy as I want to be. I can lie, cheat, steal, rape, and even murder, and I’ll still be chilling my heels in heaven while you’re burning in hell!
5. I’m searching for God’s plan for my life. Translation — my life is all set out in God’s plan, so now I’ve got a crisis. Because even though it’s all pre-determined, I’ve got to find out what it is so I don’t screw it up and get God mad at me. It’s his plan, but it’s my responsibility. So I’ve got to read all these tea leaves, closed doors, open windows, and magic Bible verses to make the right choices! And I’m so afraid it’s a plan I’m going to hate. But I have to stop worrying about it, because that means I don’t trust God and he doesn’t look kindly on that lack of faith!
6. God fits the burden to the back. Translation — God doesn’t inflict more woe upon me than I can handle. He’s not going to torture me so much that it breaks my faith in him. This horror I’m experiencing is actually a good thing because it means God trusts me. He knows my faith is strong enough to handle it and I won’t break down and tell him where to stick it. It means I’m doing something right. Yay me! There’s no way I’d want to go back to those bad old days when my faith was weaker and my burdens so much lighter. Would I?
7. We are to be in the world, but not of it. Translation — The world that God created is bad. It’s evil to the core, ruled by Satan, and I am constantly trying to free myself from it so I can be a spiritual being guided by faith in him alone. But meanwhile, the world just keeps making all these demands of me. Deep, deep inside I know that God is not really going to pay my bills or kill those worldly desires I feel. No amount of prayer and Bible study has managed that after all these years. So I actually have no idea what this means, but I keep saying it while I comply with the world because otherwise, god might spit me out of his mouth.
8. God used that experience to teach me a lesson. Translation — Everything that happens to me is all about me. All those other people who were killed, damaged or traumatized in that episode of my life mean nothing. They were just props in god’s lesson plan for me. So be careful about letting me into your life. The Lord just may decide you could fit into a lesson too.
9. The Lord helps those who help themselves. Translation — Okay, I know it’s not actually in the Bible, but I need to say it anyway. Because it’s the only way I’m going to get out of that mission trip, or that Easter pageant, so I can work some overtime and get caught up, or take that massage class so I can get my side hustle started. I can’t let anybody think I’m just choosing the evil world and not trusting god to take care of me. I can’t let myself think that either. So I’m going so say it, I’m going to believe it, and so are you.
10. I have Good News for you! Translation — If I don’t evangelize you, Jesus is going to put me on his black list. He’ll say I’m choosing the world over his kingdom, ignoring God’s will, and squandering my life’s whole purpose. Your eternity in hell will be my fault. I will look like a failure to my pastor and church community. So could you do me this really big favor and let me put this millstone around your neck? Don’t worry. It’s just like mine. All of us have one, and we will teach you how to carry it so you too can find the truth that sets you free.
