Wedding Advice from a Humanist Officiant

Don’t hold back from kissing!

Whenever the mood strikes, take the opportunity!

You don’t need to wait to be told by an officiant to smooch…you’re adults, and it’s your big day.

Now that this is out of the way, I’ll share some more helpful tips to ensure you have the best wedding day ever!

Let me put on my suit.

There we go.

The day should be full of fun, friendship and food! Not necessarily in that order.

The cool thing about secular and/or humanist weddings, is that, they can be whatever you want them to be!

If you can somehow manage to ride down the aisle on an elephant like a certain peasant turned prince in the Middle East, let’s do it!

The sky is the limit with creativity, love, and whatever monetary savings you’re willing to part with.

As time goes on, I’m hoping to have as many different versions of ceremonies as I have clients. Ranging from simple and rustic, to astronomical and stellar!

Part of the fun is seeing what we can create.

The first thing we need to do, is get a feel for our connection and chemistry. I only want to be the one you choose, if you feel that I am a good fit for your celebration.

Our first meeting will be an introduction to our working relationship, and even though it will be a relatively short time…I would love to get to know you as a couple, and as individuals. This will help in tailoring your perfect day.

It also helps to alleviate some of the stress that wedding planning puts on couples. You can now throw that on me. Don’t worry, my shoulders are broad enough to take it.

Next comes the outline. I provide a work sheet to detail all of the elements needed to piece the puzzle together. Like most puzzles, some pieces might not fit in the right spots, so we work together to complete the picture.

A standard wedding has a steady flow and order that can be altered to achieve the desired result, but this is the typical breakdown:

1. Processional – This is where your wedding party, flower girl(s)/boy(s), ring bearer(s), parents, the couple and whoever else, makes a grand entrance to music and applause. This might be the time where the couple experiences their nerves let go and they breathe a sigh of relief. We made it, we’re here…this is our life now.

2. Welcome Message/Officiant Introduction – It’s my job to wrangle the crowd and get them to act like humans, sit them down and explain the outline of the day’s festivities. A good practice here is to thank everyone for coming and mention the distances travelled, to include those who made the extra effort to be there. It goes a long way to set everyone at ease. And relaxed…should be the atmosphere. While introducing myself, I try to hasten the process, as to not put too much emphasis on my role in your marriage. I’m just the guy signing the papers. I will touch on my credentials, so everyone knows it’s legit and then a quick blurb about how humanism includes everyone.

3. Homily on Marriage – Who doesn’t like to hear how marriage is the best? Perhaps someone who’s not there…so by default, all those in attendance will eat this up. A general sprinkling of what marriage is, and how it relates to our needs for connection and love, goes a long way to touch the hearts of the crowd. It’s also a good lead into the couple’s meet cute story and helps drive home the commitments they’ve made to each other.

4. The Love Story – Did the couple meet while one was running to catch the bus and missed it, and the other was riding past with a bicycle built for two? Maybe! This is where those stories come to life and my job is to paint a perfect picture of how they met, what steps were taken and where they are now. Spoiler alert: they’re in front of you.

4. Statement of Intent to Marry – Legally, we have to state that the couple actually wishes to marry. That’s kind of an important aspect of this day. The last thing we’d want to hear is something along the lines of: “friends and family, Joe didn’t really want to be here today, but Lainey dragged his ass out of bed and said PUT THIS ON!” It doesn’t really have the same ring as: “Joe and Lainey have decided to take a giant leap towards their future together, and join their lives in marriage today.” I know some gluttons for punishment, who would relish in hearing the first one. But the rest of us, would prefer the second.

5. Vows and Promises – Now we get to the real meat of what the audience wants to hear. The juicy details of how you’re going to make this marriage work, and how you really feel about your partner. My favourite vows are heartfelt with elements of humour and intrigue sprinkled in. I attended a friend’s wedding in Dallas, and his vows consisted of 13 taglines from Hollywood blockbusters. Now that’s dedication…and risky! He’s lucky that his bride was also a cinephile, or that might have backfired. One of the many fun games you can play with your life.

6. Rings and Other Rituals – The most common display of unifying the marriage is a ring ceremony. But lots of other symbols and actions can be done. Sand Mixing ceremonies are becoming more common place, and are quite beautiful. Usually there are two vials of sand that are different colours, representing the two families being separate. They are then swirled together in a vase or glass jar, to symbolize the two becoming one. Other examples are: Ribbon tying, hand binding, and poetry sharing. It’s unbelievable how many rituals can be used, or invented to tie the knot.

7. The Pronouncement and Kiss – Presenting the couple as married for the first time and having them share an intimate moment together…in front of everyone. One statement that I’m hearing requested more and more is: “I know pronounce you partners in marriage.” It gives off a teamwork vibe and shows everyone present that the couple is sharing their burdens. I like it.

8. Signing of the Documents – The most boring part for everyone watching. Usually it’s vaguely covered by instrumental classical music. What I like to do, and I’m not taking the credit for this…it’s a great tactic, passed down from those older and wiser than I. Have someone do a reading or poem, during the signing. It gives the audience something to focus on and ensures that there are no interruptions in the ceremony itself.

9. The Closing – This is the last chance the officiant has to pump up the couple and send them off on an amazing life together. Make it count! It’s also a time to announce where the couple is off to next and when to meet back up for the reception and dinner. If you don’t give the crowd specific details, they might be like lemmings, and follow the couple to the photo shoot. Make sure the instructions are clear in order to avoid confusion.

10. Announcing the Marriage – “Friends and family, please stand in support of Mr. and Mrs. Fancypants, as they make their escape!” Oof, what an unfortunate name, but at least they’re heading for wedded bliss! Usually you get to be part of the standing ovation.

11. Miscellaneous – Anything else that you can think of to add or subtract from the above. The best part of secular weddings…they are 100% yours!

Now you know the inside scoop…the secrets to a great secular marriage ceremony! Whether you’re an officiant, client or just an interested party…you’ll be able to recommend how to make that big day, a little bit more special.