Whose Pain Is It?
The fallacy of owning others’ pain
Submitted by Darrel Ray, Ed.D, President, RfR Board
As I read religious recovery comments from time to time, I see a pattern of thinking that might contribute to the problems people are facing.
Many people say that they caused pain in others when they left religion; pain for their families, friends, and former church community.
It may not seem to be a problem when saying this, but believing the idea that you caused pain in others actually feeds into the overall religious narrative.
I am not saying that your father, daughter, friend, etc. do not feel pain. What I am questioning is the source of that pain. I am not saying you cannot have empathy for what they are going through; I am suggesting that they have the greater responsibility for the pain they feel.
What, or who, really causes this pain?
Let’s do a thought experiment. Let’s say my lawyer father wanted me to be a lawyer. My whole life he prepared and cajoled me, then one day I announce that I am going into the wholesale grocery sales business. I proceed to make a good career out of that profession, though my father showed great pain at that announcement and for years after. He often makes reference to how I would have made a great lawyer. He never…
