A Comment On Being The Quiet One
Writing with a stream of consciousness
I have always been considered the quiet one, but feel that I can also be outgoing. I love to listen to others and I love meaningful conversations. I have realized recently that if a conversation is not meaningful, I have trouble becoming a part of it.
I take on personas to better match the people I am with, if I want to impress them. I have problems talking about my book, even though it is important to in order to promote its release. I feel that my voice does not need to be heard in a room of others that may have louder voices.
In tangent with these thoughts, I have always been perceived as small, which gets enhanced because I am quiet. A small and quiet girl. I will panic in my head and put pressure on myself to say something, but by the time I come up with something to say, the conversation has passed. This is only in large groups by the way. When I am with people I know or in smaller groups, words will flow. Big groups are scary.
I have realized that this has become a trend with my coworkers. I want to impress them. I want to be cool. I want to be a “bro.” I feel tiny sometimes and will over analyze myself later. This is odd because I have only picked this up recently. I used to not give a single fuck.
It is odd to me that this has developed. I have also recently taken on dissociation and don’t see myself as an adult, even though I am. I feel like a child and that others see me as one, even though it is clear that I am treated as an adult. This is also a new development. It is weird that things like this can emerge and then you feel different.
To revert back to the main topic, the quiet one. I like being quiet and sometimes I hate it so much I feel like I am trying to claw my way out of my own mouth that seems to be sewn shut. Sometimes I feel that I have no good words to say or anything meaningful to contribute to conversation, so I do not. If there are loud people around, I let them dictate because they seem to have a lot to say and I am fearful of not being heard.
Along with being quiet, I will mumble or talk softly sometimes, not being heard at all. This is something I have become aware of and has certainly made me more fearful to speak because when I am not heard, I feel silly and can’t tell if they heard me or not. Do I need to repeat my words again? Did they hear?
This feels like anxiety, social anxiety perhaps, but I am also able to walk into a room with confidence and take control. I am the first one to speak in group projects, I can take charge easily, I am smart and beautiful, I am many positive things, yet I freak out and go quiet. Will people like you if you are quiet? I like myself, but can be hard on myself.
I love conversations, I love talking and getting to know another person, but I feel that when I am with people I KNOW I want to impress and I KNOW I want them to like me, it becomes hard to show them me. I never know if I am being perceived the right way, the way that is me. I am myself, and I think writing this out is helpful to my realization of this matter, but recently I have developed this negative trait. Conflicting and confusing. I didn’t really care what people thought of me, but now, I freak out. Weird how this all has developed. Why?
