The french bakery and greenhouse

Photo courtesy of Unsplash.

Closed room in the dark

a dangling light

I sat in the corner

scared

windows came

the door to the house would let me through

but the house did not want me

I tied clothes together?

as the windows appeared

I climbed down through the window using the tied clothes into

a very busy

city landscape

cars and people hustling

everyone with a place they have to go

the city dirty and grimy

like most cities are

the french bakery

open

with red exterior

the most lovely place

reminded me of a 90s restaurant

I got a chocolate croissant and a black coffee

I don’t like black coffee

my dad does though

Then the first he came in

in a grey suit with a blue undershirt

I was scared

he did not see me

he sat down

maybe he ordered something

I do not know

then the other he came in

also in a suit

a black suit with a dark red undershirt

and sat across from the first he

in a booth

with dark red seats

the tables white

kind of like plastic

a napkin dispenser that was almost full and salt and pepper sat at the edge of their table

I started freaking out

why are they taunting me like this?

I am going to loose it

but then

my waterfall

he walked in and sat across from me

t-shirt and climbing pants

brushing my arm

I feel calmer

I am getting it together

then the last he walks in and sits next to the first he

not dressed as nicely

piece of shit

but then she comes in from a different door

the door behind me

and she asks me

she talks to me frantically

I am reminded that I am in control of this

and I ask her to kindly leave

and she abides

she leaves through the door she came in from

I begin to feel better and grateful for her understanding

my waterfall still sits across from me, comforting

I get up

I go to the french booth with the men

I ask the two men sitting together on one side to please give me a moment

they do so

luckily

and I explain to the second he

sitting across from him

that what he did was wrong

I ask if he understands this

he is listening

it is actually very beautiful

he nods and apologized

he gets up and leaves

I needed to hear that

I am actually okay

and I am able to feel at peace with the second he

then I turn

the first he is sitting at the french bakery bar

on one of those swivel chairs

that has a flat top

red cushion

I walk over

sit next to him

begin explaining to him

asking him if he understands

if he knows what he did to me was wrong

he does not get it

typical

I get frustrated

I am angry

I slap him

I hit him again

he is on the ground

the french bakery ground

on his side

I kick him and I scream

my waterfall stops me from continuing

he tells me no more

and I listen

and we leave the first he on the ground

little bit of blood on his face

he’s fine

too fine

I am not okay with how I feel leaving this situation

we walk out of the bakery

and I call the last he a cab

and he gets in and leaves

there is no conversation

and I am okay with that

my waterfall and I make our way out of the double doors of the bakery

we begin to cross the street

freshly repainted white pedestrian lines

then she comes

walking toward us

are you fucking kidding

they speak

my waterfall and her

I don’t know what about

their conversation is theirs

not mine

I just watch

feeling like my head is spinning around them in circles

I grab his arm and I say to her

“have a good rest of your day”

and we part to the other side of the street

my waterfall and I

we sit on a shitty brown bench just on the other side

trash at our feet and graffiti by our heads on the wall behind me

and I am very angry

my waterfall is taken aback by his encounter

she walks into the bakery

takes a seat at the bar of the french bakery next to my first he

of course she does

equally as cruel

they speak

I think I am going to lose it

but then I find tulips

wrapped is brown paper

so beautiful

I buy them for myself

they make me feel comfort and I am suddenly in a park

the downtown park

with a large fountain

and green green grass

my waterfall next to me

and we are sitting on another bench

this one is much nicer

and things are just kind of null

I feel like I am beginning to understand that I am going to just have to accept this

then the first he and she walk by

they do not see us

always walking into frame and then out

nothing more

I still hold my tulips

I hold them closer to my chest and I look down at them

I am now in a backyard

of my home

a home I have never seen

but one I want

I have a wonderful green garden

with so many plants

there is a colorful tile that flows throughout my backyard

it is sunny

it is so pleasant

I see a greenhouse connected to my house

like a sunroom

“this cannot get any better,” I think

I walk in and I have a plethora of plants

they are so beautiful

I love the humidity of green houses

the plant oxygenated air hits my face and I break a smile

I turn and see that the green house connects to my home

the kitchen is right there

and the living room

earthy tones

a used table

nothing is really brand new

everything is colorful

and there is my waterfall

who just cooked us dinner

a little black and white dog

a boston terrier runs under my feet and I go to take a seat

we eat dinner

I believe there are carrots

it is so wonderful

I am so happy

my waterfall and I trail run

since we are in the mountains

in our tiny little colorful home

we come back and we mountain bike

it is green outside

I own a blue Subaru?

nice

we go somewhere to swim

I don’t know where

I just see us leave and come back

and we have our family over

and we cook them a turkey

interesting since I try to not eat meat

and neither does my waterfall

he is smiling with his family

and I can only see my dad now

and I thank my dad

for everything

he needs the love

my dad has been through it

I tell him that he is the most wonderful thing

I want him to know how much he means to me

I love him

then I go outside

I have a front yard that slopes down quite quickly

and you know what

my front yard is just garden boxes of tulips

as the yard slopes down next to a row of wooden stairs in the middle

damn

but then

the first he and she walk by

on my dirt road in front of my house

together

talking

they never look at me

my waterfall standing next to me, but a little behind me now

and the first he and she walk into frame

and then exit

and that was it

I realized then that I have shown myself that I can build this life for myself

I can get past it and I can build my own life

I am asked to say goodbye to them all

to connect to myself when I feel small and when I realized that I am able to exist with them around my life

I had a peaceful parting with the she that walked in the other door at the bakery

she left and floated away

I shook the second he’s hand

that

that moment for me

peace

the first he

I hate him

he left reluctantly, and he left with her

but they left

they floated away

and I walked back to my home

up the steps

surrounded by tulips

to my waterfall

and we stood there watching them leave

went inside

sat on our comforting warn down couches

across from one another

and read books

I built that life for myself

regardless of all the shit

and I believe I may have just forgiven myself

and shown myself that I can live like this

I forgive myself

and I can live like this