No, I am not skinny, deal with it!
I first wrote this in a closed (safe) Facebook group to build up the courage to put it out there, where the trolls are. I recently went to a talk, part of mental health month, and they were repeating that in order to heal you need to share and allow yourself to be vulnerable.
I have been struggling with mental health issues for a while now and I only really started to gain control on it about 3 years ago.
Since then every year I give myself an objective to start working on. I try to have a different theme for my “growth mindset” every year 😉.
This year is about accepting my body the way it is. I shout a lot about body positivity but I feel like a fraud because I can’t seem to accept my own.
Anyway here is my first step toward accepting myself fully.
#SelfLoveClub
PS: Let me know if you can relate, share your stories 😘. Lots of Love
Dear everyone,
Please stop thinking that my body is an ok subject of conversation!
Please stop asking me if I am doing anything to lose weight!
If I am doing something to lose weight, please stop constantly asking how much I’ve lost!
Complementing me on the weight loss is as hurtful as telling me I am fat.
Please be aware that if I am being careful about what I eat or going to the gym does not mean I am trying to lose weight!
I have felt too fat from a size 6 to a size 16, but you know what today, with my size 16, it is still where I feel the best. From as long as I can remember I have never felt appropriate or beautiful. I knew some people thought I was because they were telling me so. I believe they were genuine; but alone in front of my mirror, I cried because I could not see what they saw.
Back then I did not understand how your own gaze can be so distorted, I felt fat, I felt ugly.
From the age of 17, I kept putting on weight over and over every year until I had put on a total of about 40 kg. Every year I would look at a picture of the previous year and say to myself “Why did I think I was fat? I was ok then I am fat now! How could I have let myself go again?” Still, I would carry on putting weight on.
Recently, I literally feel like I succeeded in life. I have a great career, an awesome social life and I am marrying the love of my life (now married). I am kicking ass. I have a great life. However, that awful feeling started to creep back into my life. Why can’t I lose weight? Why do I accomplish all my goals except this one?
“FUCK why am I such a failure? I can’t fucking lose weight!” That is what is going on in my mind non-stop, and it is preventing me from enjoying my many successes fully.
So I went into combat mode, “Ok I am going to tackle this like I have tackled my career; I am going to push through and never give up!” Wow, I was pumped.
On top of everything, I was engaged so I could not fail. I could not possibly get married the way I was.
Motivated, I hired a nutritionist and a PT and at this moment I am feeling powerful. I started, and everything was ok. They were a lot of sacrifices to be made like restaurants and casual drinks (well alcohol altogether) but I was still kind of ok.
Then the uneasy feeling starts to sink in, “I thought I wanted this… Why am I so miserable?” I did it for 6 months and lost 10 kg. Yay!
No.
No yay.
I was soooo miserable. I wasn’t myself. I was sad all the time. Then I did something stupid, I quit and gained all the kilos back in about 2 weeks. I went back into one of my worst depression after that. I went back on antidepressants.
However, this made me think. Why did I felt so miserable? Didn’t I want this? Wasn’t it my “last step” toward self-actualisation?
This “failure” really made me think. I started reflecting on the whys. Why did I put the weight on in the first place? I wanted to go back to a size 8, but I knew that when I was a size 8 I hated my body and literally thought I was the fattest person on earth.
That is when I realised that someone put this idea, that I was fat, in my head and now no matter my size I just feel fat and just not beautiful. They did not do it voluntarily. It came out of love like “no don’t eat that”, “be careful with sugar”, “no you can’t have seconds you need to be careful”, “are you sure you need bread?”, “are you really going to wear that?”, etc.
It came out of love but prevented me to love myself fully. I just “filled the blanks”, I felt overweight than I became overweight. Like fulfilling a prophecy.
The really dark thing is that every time I get home now I feel depressed. I have really bad anxiety and cry every night. I can’t sleep in anticipation of judgement and disappointment. Don’t get me wrong my family loves me. I am actually writing this letter in English to make sure they can’t understand. I don’t want to hurt them.
Well, I say that but once in a while, I will stupidly starve myself for a couple of weeks (I love food too much, I can’t do more than 2 weeks). I would do that and hope that I can carry on to be actually sick from it and make them realised that they did this, they made me sick. Anyway, we all agree that this is absolutely the dumbest idea, but sometimes you don’t control the darkest places of your mind.
Anyway, here I am in the cold writing this to maybe share it with strangers on the internet. The truth is that I am terrified. I don’t know what I want for my body. I don’t know if losing weight is what I want or what my family want. I feel that it is preventing me to actually lose weight, so I have a new goal.
That new goal is to feel beautiful no matter what my body looks like at any given time. Fuck, let’s face it a body is dynamic it changes as you go through life. My current body bears my traumas, intense study abroad and a crazy lifestyle to achieve ambitions. I am living a healthy life, I am actually a great cook and I go to the gym. However, I like rich food (as much as veggies), I like a drink from time to time and I am not a gym rat. Sorry, but I am not sorry.
Anyway, I am getting married in July, the 7th to be exact. I am going to wear a dress that will show that I am not skinny and everyone is going to see me and judge me. It scares the hell out of me! But I know that my goal is to be happy in that body and all the other bodies I’ll have for the rest of my life, so let’s do it and let’s stand proud.
Zoé 💪
Thanks for reading it till the end. Please share your story or tell me if you can relate. Lots of love 😘!
#SelfLoveClub
Please 👏 if you liked it 🥳
1-year later…
I got married, I stood proud and I was beautiful. I felt beautiful, I felt loved and none of that non-sense mattered. I am still fighting my demons and I will always, but I feel stronger than ever.
