Life with ADHD can be remarkable, spontaneous, creative. It can take you to places that ‘norms’ can barely dream of. It can be (and has often been for me) a magical trip, but life with ADHD can also be a struggle that breaks us, drains us, isolates us and for some, it can be just… too much.
Just as you begin to feel you can celebrate two steps forward, you knock yourself four steps back. And then you begin to doubt (all over again — for the millionth time) if:
(a) the effort that went into those two steps was worth it.
(b) if they were just flukes anyway.
and (c) if you have the energy — or self-interest anymore — to dig in once again. To step back into the ring with your nemesis, knowing that year after year — even though you’ve got a few good jabs in — he’s kicked your arse and embarrassed you in the process. Every. Single. Time.
This is life with ADHD. It’s not a myth, it’s not a joke and it’s not an excuse.
We’re not loners…
But we often end up alone — People with ADHD function best — often brilliantly — with people around them. Especially partners, family, kids. People who get it, who get them. People who will gently and warmly nudge, encourage and remind us. Who provide us with consistency and routine. People who will keep us on our programs and paths and who can quietly pull us to one side when we can’t ‘turn off’ and are about to embarrass ourselves — again.
The irony though is that these are the very people who ADHD sufferers drive away, hurt, let down, frustrate and embarrass. And then we end up alone — and not for the first time — trying to do the things we need to do to work with and around our ADHD, but we can’t do it alone. So we stumble. And we fuck it up. Again. And then we give up. Because the evidence keeps telling us that it truly is pointless.
We’re not narcissistic or vain…
We just don’t quite know how to present ourselves to the world sometimes. We can read you and your interactions with others better than most, but we have ridiculous difficulty with self-observation. We don’t know how we come across and we don’t get signals the way most people do. So we switch between blusteringly over-confident and painfully shy — but we often cover up that shyness so well, even those who know us best don’t spot it.
We’re not lazy…
You’ve seen us work like Trojans and even forget to eat and drink. Got a job to do? Moving house? Building a shed? We’re up for it because we’re your friends but also because we love to ‘do’ stuff we don’t do every day. And we give our time happily because you’ve given so much time and love to us.
We’re not ‘smart’…
We’re just endlessly curiously seeking new things, ideas, novelty. This is why we’re good at so many things. (Sure, many of us are quite smart, but it’s not a universal defining characteristic of ADHD types.)
We’re not “just depressed or anxious”…
Well, many of us are depressed and anxious, but that’s not the cause, that’s a product of ADHD. The result of an entire lifetime of being utterly confused that despite all our supposed talents and gifts, we end up blowing it over and over again. And making the same daft mistakes. Anyway, antidepressants (especially SSRIs) don’t work at all for many with ADHD while anti-anxiety meds often just make us dull and listless.
We can’t just ‘get over it’…
Sorry, we’ve tried. More times than you could ever imagine.
We don’t have a ‘chemical imbalance’…
We have a physical, neurological developmental disorder. The area of our brains where ‘executive function’ happens just isn’t developed as well as yours is. We don’t have a wonky chemical soup which just needs a sprinkle of this and a dash of that. Chemistry can help sure, but it doesn’t, can never, fix ADHD. Tools, techniques and support. That’s what works.
We’re not selfish , we’re sorry…
We’re always sorry. We spend most of our days feeling sorry, feeling guilty, feeling stupid. When we’re not busying ourselves with our own brand of self-loathing, we’re ruminating on lost jobs, lost opportunities, lost friendships. Lost loves. The lost loves. Man, that’s the kicker. The lives we could have had — if only.
“We just live in an ADHD era where everyone’s a little ADHD!”…
No, no you’re not. Sorry. Sure, everyone can relate to many ADHD symptoms, but they haven’t ruined (or nearly ruined) your life over and over and over again. That’s the difference.
There’s more to write — always — but I’ll stop here. In typical ADHD fashion, I’ve been writing this with my thumbs on my tiny phone. Not because I’m too lazy to go and grab the laptop, but because I’m in ADHD hyperfocus mode and I haven’t moved from this spot for, well I don’t know how long. Maybe an hour? Two? Dunno. My back hurts and my leg is numb.
Dec. 22nd 2016
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