Primpin’ Ain’t Easy

Dear Expert,

My boyfriend complains that it takes me too long to get ready when we go out. But my head is about 40% the size of my body, and bobbles with the slightest movement. How can I make him understand that there’s no way for me to go any faster?

Sooo Pretty

Dear Sooo Pretty,

You, are not alone. Many women experience similar problems with their heads. It’s a common condition, and one that most men simply can’t empathise with. Physiologically, men’s penises work in a way similar to that of a cat’s tail. Any movement of their head (the one on top of their neck) is automatically counterbalanced by their other head (the one at the end of their penis). This level of stability in males evolved over a millennia, as a critical aspect of male courtship.

An ancient ritual, commonly known as dancing, has historically been a difficult activity for men to perform. Those brave enough to attempt it would simply fall over, flailing like a fish out of water on the dancefloor. Those with marginal control over their penises soon discovered it gave them a slightly longer upright duration, which in turn increased their chances of mating. And natural selection adjusted for this improvement.

Women, however, lacking this natural counterweight, sometimes experience a bobbing of their head when its size grows too large in proportion to their body. Its perfectly natural, and nothing to worry about.

So let your boyfriend know that he should consider himself lucky that you don’t have a penis, and that you care enough to look your best.