Photo by Anton Darius | @theSollers on Unsplash

Facing Dying, Death and Funerals

Let’s Be Honest

Dying, death, bereavement and funerals are seldom, if ever, convenient, often crashing into our busy lives uninvited and unwanted. Facing any form of dying, death — especially if it’s our own — or that of someone we love, or a bereavement can prove catastrophic.

Together or separate, they add pressure, steal time, cause upset, make demands and require attention often when we’re not available because we may be upset, distraught and stretched by circumstances.

And, yet, we have to deal with their requirements, their effects and the torments and frustrations they bring.

And, we have to do this whilst trying to deal with how we — and those around us — feel in the face of the avalanche; stuff required on practical levels, on emotional levels, on (if you believe) spiritual levels; and family political, financial and legal levels, too.

None of these things are simple. But, there are ways to deal with them, which is why I’m currently writing a book about how to do just that. See my blog for some of the content.

Make Use of a Professional:

Any area of work has people available to help you along the path you need to deal with; dealing with dying death, bereavement and funerals, is no different. The advantages:

• you have someone used to what you face
• you have someone used to dealing with the concerns you have and access to the resources you require
• you have someone outside the turmoil(s) you face and able to overview the circumstances, whilst providing support, care and advice to deal with the issues and demands
• you have someone able to hold the space and help you through which can be invaluable!

What Needs Your Attention:

Practicalities demand you face and deal with many things all at once — Logistical — often many services are required to manage and / or handle what’s just been thrown at you — these can include:

Physical –

• if it’s dealing with dying — how to provide all the support — food, care, love, time, resources, timetables, transport, shopping, attention, to name but a few
• if it’s after death — who to contact, what services are required, deciding on the funeral, who to tell — when and how, finding all the paperwork; allocating tasks etc.

Emotional –

• if it’s dealing with dying — dealing with the emotions of the person facing their mortality; dealing with your own emotions and those for who you care; dealing with extended family, parents, siblings and others affecting by circumstances
• if it’s after death — there’s your own grief, shock and mourning and that of all those around you, people who you care for and look after; it’s often a huge burden, particularly if you care for others, e.g. as a mother

Spiritual — (if you believe in it) –

• if it’s dealing with dying — you have potential dilemmas here — your own spiritual beliefs, those of the person who is dying and those of your family and community, as they may not all be the same; these can prove to be times of existential crisis
• if it’s after death — much like for the time of dying, but with the rawness of loss and grief, these spiritual and/or religious requirements can bring all sorts and types of conflict to the situation

Financial –

• if it’s dealing with dying — how to deal with all the daily costs and care packages that need paying for; specialist transport; meals, bills, managing the finances to deal with both the day-to-day and the long term requirements; preparing for the end, funeral expenses and legal costs etc. etc.
• if it’s after death — making sure money is available to cover the necessary and if not, how to manage what’s needed and being able to deal with it

Legal –

• if it’s dealing with dying — fulfilling what the dying person’s request are; ensuring the will is up to date; transferring or managing property or family assets etc.
• if it’s after death — certificate of death; coroner’s court, if required; probate; management of the estate; completing bequests; contacting banks, financial institutions, cancelling subscriptions… and all the other multitude of legal matters to tie-up someone’s life.

And, it’s no wonder this can make your head spin! Which is why caring supportive and practical, well-held and a third-party viewpoint can prove invaluable to keep you on track throughout the process, as you create your goodbye for your loved one.