Was I Embarrassed by My Sobriety?

Or was I worried about something else?

This essay originally appeared in the Exploring Sobriety newsletter.

Photo by Julia Taubitz on Unsplash

My sobriety used to embarrass me.

I was slow to tell anyone that I had quit drinking. At first, I kept it secret from even my closest friends and family members.

The way I saw it, admitting that I was sober was an implicit admission that I was an alcoholic. To tell someone that I had quit drinking, I’d also have to tell them that I had been drinking too much.

I didn’t want anyone to know about the years of heavy daily drinking that had led up to my decision to get sober. I didn’t want them to know how badly my private life was going as a result of my drinking habit.

Sobriety felt like a defeat. I had tried to cut down on drinking again and again, but I just couldn’t do it. I worried that by getting sober, I was proving to myself — and to everyone that I told — that I was weak-willed and out of control.

In short, I was embarrassed by my sobriety because I was embarrassed by my addiction.

At least, that’s what I thought.

It’s true that I was embarrassed by my sobriety. However, when I look back on those early days, I now see that there was an even bigger…