Dependency

Dependency:

1. a dependent or subordinate thing, especially a country or province controlled by another.

2. dependence.

People depend on things. It’s a way of steadying ourselves, holding ourselves against the world with the help of a material object or person. Dependency is a problem in modern time where many people are lonely and sad, vying for attention and love from others because the simple truth is that we all want to be validated. Even so, this isn’t totally a bad thing (at least when it’s controlled). But when we let ourselves be overcome by this complete dependency on something we can’t ultimately control, that’s when it becomes a problem.

“One particularly harmful idea carried by our cultural narrative is that you need to find someone who will love you. Imagine if we believed this about any other basic need: food, water, oxygen. If you needed another person to provide you with those, you’d be considered dependent — if not disabled. Yet we so willingly put ourselves in this state with love.”

― Vironika Tugaleva, The Art of Talking to Yourself

Validation is a curse and a burden. Not everyone wants it, but most people crave some sort of it. This only natural; we want to be told that what we’re doing is right. Doubt and paranoia are plagues that most people get caught up in. They cannot get rid of it alone, so instead they fall back on others to tell them what they should do in order to please them. The need to be validated by others is a scapegoat- a false bottom to success and happiness.

“The surest way to be unhappy is to depend on someone else to make you happy.”

― Marty Rubin

Depending on material objects is a spiral. It represents the value of self control, the hold we have of ourselves and how much we care about our own well-being. However, this habit of reliance can be harder to get out of after we fall in. It all depends on how we choose to rely on an object, how much of ourselves we decide to put in. Putting in all of our hope and well-being into a material object that is ultimately finite will be our downfall. People use things to hold them up. These can involve things like bracelets, stones, shells and small things in pockets to hold when anxiety comes sweeping through. Sometimes this is something good and many people have the ability to let it go on their own time and within their own preferences. Everything is organic; nothing lasts forever and understanding this can give people a true resilience to the batterings of being alive (Tevooren).

“For everyone you create to be dependent on you, you are equally dependent on them. Neither relationship is healthy.”

― Alan Cohen

Even so, more often it is a person that we depend on. It’s a living, breathing, alive creature. The fact of our existence, all of us thinking and being together at the same time is hard to comprehend, and many people do not grasp the ripple of impact that their actions have. Perhaps most would prefer ignorance to guilt and shame. Ignorance is sometimes deadly, and more often than not, it is the cause of a built up emotion within someone. That suppressed feeling will eventually break through and can be a very dangerous thing.

Takeo Doi wrote the book “The Anatomy of Dependence,” which outlines how dependence is the structure for every relationship. It is the soul core of it, and relying on people gives us the satisfaction that we so desperately want (Khandelwal). He speaks of relationships ideally- following one that consists of a parent and child, this being our guide to a healthy, dependent relationship. He speaks of the Japanese concept of amae (甘え), which is the nominal form of amaeru. Basically, it is described as someone (usually younger looking) with an authority figure to take care of them. Doi himself described amae as “to depend and presume upon another’s benevolence”. And while the phenomenon is not strictly Japanese, Doi said that the Japanese people are the only ones with the extensive vocabulary to describe it fully.

In many relationships today there is the issue of balance between dependency and independency. There is a question of when to lean on each other and when to be alone. A healthy relationship will depict some dependency, but ultimately the strongest bonds are built on the flow of giving and taking equally. However, sometimes that dependency will cause the relationship to sour and go dark with the desperate need to be in constant connection when really, humans are almost always completely alone (Hudson). We can’t read minds and we don’t fully understand the whole of a person. We are alone with ourselves in our heads, and depending on oneself is the best possible option. Hudson speaks of life as, “you come into this world alone and you depart from it alone.”

“Tell me, is there someone in your life who’s been sharing your life too closely? A friend or a loved one? Is there someone who’s been taking up your time and not giving any of it back?”

― Alexandra Kleeman, You Too Can Have a Body Like Mine

In failing to be alone, there is a scale of drastic outcomes. Here lies the problem with the interlink between dependency and distance. The bond that grows between humans can be built over a span of years and crumble within seconds. Bonds are grown in moments, memories and often in a time of dependency.

When deciding the right distance to put between oneself and friends, trust can be brought into question with wondering how much of it can be put forth before it becomes dependency?

It seems to be a question of self control: how much of oneself is offered to the people in their life, and how much do they keep? To solidify trust between people, there is the mutual understanding of boundaries, limits, and when those may eventually be crossable. The art of looking at people is learning how to notice them. You come to acknowledge all the pieces of them that have not been recognized and show them that you notice. Most people like being noticed; most people like being remembered. But —

“How important could you possibly be to other people?”

― Hudson, Why You Should Never Rely on Anyone but Yourself

Sources

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hope-relationships/201601/9-things-dependent-people-will-do — 9 Things Dependent People Do

https://www.elitedaily.com/life/motivation/why-you-should-never-depend-on-anyone-but-yourself — Why You Should Never Depend on Anyone but Yourself (Hudson)

https://welldoing.org/article/should-i-depend-others — Should I Depend On Others? (Khandelwal)

https://www.riskology.co/true-resilience/ — True Resilience (Tevooren)