Understanding Relationship Dynamics
Surprise! Healthy communication is key
I have been in a committed relationship for 15 years and feel I am just beginning to hit my stride. It definitely has not been easy for my spouse or myself. It is still not easy at times but the feeling that it could all end in a heartbeat is gently subsiding.
Upon reflection, the odds were stacked against us. A surprise pregnancy with a nascent relationship and underemployment as a backdrop marked the beginning of our journey. Fast forward to today, our son is now 14 years old, over 6 feet tall (taller than me, apparently) and an outstanding young man; the one thing we can say we got right.
The challenges we faced were as imposing as they were numerous: getting to know one another as a couple, raising a child and developing respective careers. No sweat, right! As a young couple, you make it work through sheer determination and the vision of a “happily ever after”. As time wears on, however, doubts and resentments can seep into the relationship if deep meaningful communication is not developed.
Unfortunately, deep meaningful communication is extremely difficult without a deep understanding of how one’s prior family dynamics can affect one’s ego, triggering negative emotions during discussions. This certainly characterized many of the discussions in our relationship. I did not truly understand this until recently.
Triggers
Child-rearing, finances, intimacy; all fertile ground for discord. We all have a certain amount of “noise” around these issues. Understanding where that noise comes from is key to fostering compromise and healthier discussions. Throughout our 15 years, my spouse and I have had falling outs over all of the above subjects to the point where we wondered aloud if we had anything in common. I realize now that we have more in common than we believed but were stuck in our respective defensive positions.
A defensive position is usually based on an unhealthy emotion such as fear and/or shame often stemming from negative childhood experiences. Certain situations or discussions can trigger these emotions and the defenses immediately come up. I can tell you firsthand that discussions based on fear and shame quickly get out of hand.
In our case, child-rearing was an issue. My spouse adopted more of a micromanagement style of parenting (in my opinion), setting up a number of rules, charts and following up to make sure everything was done. As for myself, I believe in a more “laissez-faire” style of parenting, whereby parameters are set and you allow the child to muddle through within those parameters.
Both styles have their pros and cons and should be seen as complementary. That is not, however, how my spouse saw it. It was interpreted more as a lack of support of her by me which helped paint the picture of her as the “bad cop”. So what began as an issue of differing methodology morphed into something deeper and more personal.
I now have more awareness around what triggers me and have a better understanding of what triggers my spouse. A battle is won but the war is not. I am, however, better able to assume a leadership role in certain areas of our relationship. Its future well-being will depend on it.
Assuming a leadership role: a 50/50 relationship impossible to achieve
As couples get to know one another better, they can identify the areas where freedom exists and the areas where tension exists. Where there is tension, it is up to the partner who is freed up to assume a leadership role and guide the other. During a discussion, this can be done in two ways: stepping on the brakes and letting the other vent or on the gas to break through the other’s defenses. If you step on the gas, you better be certain to be completely freed up (of noise) so as to not get sucked into the drama.
Given our individual areas of freedom and noise, it is extremely difficult to view a relationship as 50/50; it changes constantly according to circumstances. A truly successful relationship is one where one partner steps up where the other falters. Figuring out the mechanics of this is essential. It is easier said than done.
Final thoughts
I have been told that I sometimes display the emotional intelligence of a 13-year-old; the age more or less my parents divorced. Too easy a connection? Maybe. I have only scratched the surface of that (core) emotional wound but I can now recognize and feel when those defensive feelings grip me and can snap out of it faster. I am not yet Obi-Wan Kinobi but rather Luke Skywalker, an emotional Jedi in the making. It makes me a better spouse and potential relationship leader and it may mean I have a shot at winning the war.
Freely yours.
