Monday, 27 June 2016
Our strength is in not valuing what others value
Not seeing what others see
We don’t compete with others, we compete with ourselves
We don’t convince others, we convince ourselves
A standard beyond standards
An opponent that never leaves
A burden self-imposed
There is a Strength, even amongst you
Make them so jealous of my completeness as a single person that they all fight w each other to be single with me
To walk, to weep silently
Fated; yielding to fate
Gesthemane, Lord let this cup pass from me, but if it be Your will…
Lord I believe, forgive my unbelief
To want and unbearable thing
To grasp at more than the mind can grasp
A silent burden of will
Of consolations great and small, but fleeting
Of abiding loneliness and despair
The dark thoughts, unformed — evading expression
Mysteries at the edge of consciousness
A purpose half-guessed
Is he who can bear the most pain, the most noble? Or the greatest fool…
Is happiness an inverse of intelligence?
Must satisfying Explanation always recede into the future
Must an endless series of problems be
Must Rest be Death
All blessings, curses in disguise
All curses, blessings in disguise
All poetry, physics in disguise
All truth, lies in disguise
All lies, truth in disguise
What do you want from me, in this play of double meaning?
Why act, if we already know the play?
Why, when I act, do I feel true feeling?
Is there anything pure I can give myself to fully, without being double-crossed by the many masks?
Will you give me this final gift of fresh, first sight, strength, beauty, life, truth? Why must a child’s joy and life depart? Replaced by gray. Folded perceptions. Bent pleasures.
Must all paths be trod, or this one?
I cannot seem to escape paradoxes by any level of abstraction
New ones appear
I want this
I don’t want this
I can do this
I am powerless
I am beyond defeat
I want to drink with my eyes
Drink in more deeply than I can
I see only a shadow
I want solids
Secrets I cannot tell myself
I chose this
I was sent
Deliverance would be selfish
My work here is not finished
Neither my journey
More pleasure still
Is this knowing a comfort?
Would I float above ground, as by a memory
Be warm in bitter cold
Span all terrain
Have we all been whispering memories in our myths
Must enlightenment be attained, then lost
Must pain and confusion be there as companions, to lend significance to what is accomplished?
As if grace must be taken from me, and I must descend into ignorance and despair, to go through this trial…
Can they somehow be transcended? By a feat of mind?
Cultivation of mind and power that can be taken into all dark places
The willing instrument, the weak things to dumbfound the wise and powerful
If fate were tampered with, if the gods delivered us, would we evolve, would we ever grow?
But must it be a forever growth?
If one had the light and love and power to go into the darkest places, musn’t one? Almost by force of moral obligation?
But must the right way be the sad way
The noble path, tragic
With what faith to hold that things will come right in the end?
That there will be final resolution? Final justice? Eternal joy?
Why do it for void? Labor for nought?
And yet why for anything? Should not one pursue it for its own sake?
And yet enlightened selfishness and altruism meet.
If right is right for its own sake
It is real
And Heaven begets itself
And my bliss is inseparable from their bliss
If I cannot see the way through the darkness
But for the step ahead of me
Or the leap I know I must take
I must enter the darkness
With all the faith in light
I can cling to
Even a shred of the divine memory
What to do with remorse and guilt and loneliness
How to empty self of self
While being a self
And while the self is not evil
How to embrace it, and yet be rid of inner demons and nightmares
And to defend oneself from spiritual attack… Moreso than physical or legal or economic…
The forces of mind and heart and spirit…
How do I CHOOSE happiness when that seems the hardest thing to choose
How do I choose a smile when all seems gathering darkness… Like Shelob’s lair… What is my gift? My star light, light of Earendel?
How do I defend my spirit from shame and from embarrassment and from criticism and ridicule?
And yet stay open hearted and listening?
How do I conquer such vast strongholds and not despair of the difficulty or impossibility of the burden?
What is the pain on the present compared to the joy of eternity?
And yet must one not weep? For to not weep would deny the Story.
How to not feel a tool twisted by higher powers into their ends? If I am but a drop in history… Even Alexander had a civilizing influence. Am I to believe he too could have been spiritually strong… And not just an explainable phenomenon… That he was Led? Was he a willing instrument?
It seems to me a mistake to speculate too much on the journeys of others…
I am unwilling to care for self…
And yet how many of my physical struggles are indeed spiritual ones?
How much of my physical oppression is spiritual oppression?
How many of my physical addictions are spiritual addictions?
Or will I find that indeed gravity applies
And this is just a flight of mind
And if a truth, I am too weak to achieve its truth
Lord I believe…
Strengthen my belief
Save me from superstition
And save me from the lack of it!
For who is to say what cannot be
Or what is certainly
I am strong… And I am weak.
I am hard… And I am soft.
I am wise… And foolish.
I am numb… And capable of feeling.
I am a contradiction.
Who are you?
I need you.
And be unravelled by me.
Until, frustrated, we achieve it.