I meditate so I am better than you
How to spot a spiritual narcissist and not to be one
I have a distant relative who spends at least two hours every day doing chants and prayers. She is also known to criticize her children a lot, about everything they do and do not do, often comparing them to other kids in the family and the neighborhood.
At one point, her teenage daughter confronted her over the nagging and told her that she never appreciated them for anything they did. “I do so much for you this is how you treat me”, she shouted and stormed off into her room, took out her prayer beads, and started mumbling prayers, her fingers moving friskily over the beads.
During family gatherings, she often talks about her religious beliefs and trips to different shrines across India. “I have had such out-of-body experience meditating at that place”, I heard her saying once, and after a while, she was ranting about a relative who got her a very ‘cheap’ gift.
The contradictions in her behavior often make it hard for me to understand her true nature. Is she trying to be a better person by following a spiritual path or she’s just creating a façade to hide her true intent from people?
Then I recently came across the term “Spiritual Narcissism” and I got my answer. While I was reading about it, I was speculating if I unknowingly fell into any of the criteria mentioned and thankfully I didn’t but I still took the information as a warning sign to never fall prey to developing a spiritual ego.
“Spiritual narcissists are individuals who use their spirituality or religious beliefs as a means of gaining power, control, and admiration from others,” explains Dr. Sanam Hafeez, NYC Neuropsychologist and Director of Comprehend the Mind.
The criteria certainly fit my relative’s personality and I was able to understand more about why she acts this way. Not only her but several people who share endless pictures of their ‘yoga retreat’ and those who propagate the idea of perpetual positivity, unfortunately also fall into this category.
I recently saw someone post a picture of their ‘morning meditation’ and all I could wonder was how they must have set up the camera to the perfect angle, added some filters, and then sat in front of it to perform their ‘morning meditation’.
I have found that people who have the innate need to project how spiritual they are to others are the ones who have fallen into the traps of spiritual narcissism or spiritual ego.
How to spot a spiritual narcissist?
If you know someone,
— Often showing a ‘Holier than thou’ attitude,
— With a constant need to seek validation for their spiritual practices,
— showing off their expensive spiritual retreats on social media,
— lacking genuine empathy, despite calling themselves a religious or spiritual person,
— using spiritual concepts to explain their bad actions or manipulate others,
They’re most likely a spiritual narcissist.
I have another acquaintance who recently turned vegan after years of eating meat due to a ‘spiritual awakening’ she experienced. During a wedding I noticed her looking down upon those with a serving of butter chicken on their plate. She even bashed the hosts for serving meat at their wedding. Even on social media, you’d find a lot of spiritual vegans being condescending to the meat eaters.
As a vegetarian myself, and surrounded by a lot of family members who eat meat, I have learned that your food choices don’t decide how spiritual you can be. The meat-eaters can be kind and compassionate while there can be Vegans who are cruel, and inconsiderate.
How not to be a spiritual narcissist?
We have to understand that once you start feeling superior or ‘more evolved’ than others because you are doing yoga, meditation, or anything else to be more spiritual, it means that you are not doing it right.
The feeling of superiority fuels ego, and ego is the enemy of spiritual growth.
Once you start walking on the true path to spirituality, you’ll find your feeling of ego or ‘I’ diminishing gradually. You’ll be kind, compassionate, and empathetic to others.
Even when we start feeling like we know a lot, we know nothing. Our tiny brains cannot comprehend the complete truth and meaning of our existence, at least not yet.
There is no harm in sharing your knowledge with others if it enriches their life in some way but you should let go of your ego first.
Think of the path to enlightenment as an ever-evolving process where you learn and unlearn a lot of things along the way. Always be a seeker and you’ll prevent yourself from crossing the boundaries of narcissism.
How to deal with a spiritual narcissist?
First and foremost, spiritual narcissists are not evil people and I’m in no way trying to villainize them. Most often, these people are victims of their circumstances. They might have self-esteem, or communication issues arising from a trauma or a turbulent childhood. A lot of times people create this spiritual identity because they don’t want to deal with their emotions or other people’s emotions.
Once you understand the root cause of someone behaving like this, you can talk to them empathetically.
Maintaining clear communication is the key to dealing with such people. Now I understand, that confronting a narcissist is not an easy job as they can become even more toxic, or emotionally abusive. They may start playing the victim and withdraw completely, leaving you feeling helpless.
If you have a close relationship with this person and they are not making an effort to be better, regardless of how hard you try, then focus on your own personal growth.
Practice mindfulness and learn to manage your own emotions so their actions don’t affect you as much. Seek professional help or talk to other family members and friends. No one should suffer alone.
Prioritize your mental health and learn to detach from anything that affects you negatively.
True spirituality is to be aware that if we are interdependent with everything and everyone else, even our smallest, least significant thought, word and action have real consequences throughout the universe. -Sogyal Rinpoche
If you like this story, do check out my weekly newsletter. It’s completely free to subscribe!
