I won’t survive the zombie apocalypse

I give myself two days — a week tops.

Since the opening of Zombieland 2, I have had zombies on my brain (pun intended!) It got me to thinking about my prospects should an actual zombie apocalypse plague humanity, and I don’t even need the magic eight ball to tell me outlook not good.

I adore zombie movies, the whole genre is a yes from me. 28 Days Later is my jam, and I have watched every single Resident Evil film. The Walking Dead compendiums sit well-read on my bookshelf, and I will always say yes to a viewing of Shaun of the Dead.

Yet, I feel sure that I’ll be killed off in the first wave should zombies start making an appearance here in the south. I mean, I turned 40 this year and my cardio level is definitely not up to the doctor recommended levels. Plus, I’m a super slow runner, and I’m such a sucker for a sob story that I will defs be letting in every single person that comes knocking on my door crying for help.

Also, I’ve only ever held an actual gun in my hand one time in my life.

While I can hold my own in a video game or two, I don’t put much stock in that translating to a real-world, high-pressure situation.

I promise I’m not being dramatic. I won’t last a full week. Here are two stories that prove I’m a goner should the undead suddenly rise.