Apple Tax Mitigation PR Strategies, Summer 2013
1. Funnel profits through Irish shell corporations. When Congress comes sniffing around, accuse it of anti-Hibernian bias. Then cue Dropkick Murphys record, initiate release of pre-positioned emerald- green balloons and confetti, and escape in the ensuing confusion.
2. Reduce operational expenses at above facilities by eliminating costly warehouses, offices, IT infrastructure, parking, desks, chairs, paper, pens, carpets, walls, ceilings, snacks, other foods, personnel. When regulators demand to see proof that there is in fact any business operating at a given place of registry, say “But it’s all around you, don’t you see that? It’s in here,” and tap heart meaningfully.
3. At close of remarks to regulators, add “One more thing” and point to left. While expectant regulators clap with glee, run away to right.
4. Be sure to remind executives of subsidiaries in places like the British Virgin Islands that when regulators arrive and ask questions about Apple, they should try to avoid answers like “Who, now?” and “I don’t understand, I’m just the night manager of this Mail Boxes Etc.”
5. Use this as an opportunity to push for a more rational corporate tax code.(Just kidding! You gotta be able to laugh.)
6. Consider the benefits of an image campaign. Hire Pixar to produce a heart-tugging animated short showing lonely little dollar bills, sitting on a beach gazing out to sea and thinking plaintively: “Why won’t the government let me come home?” (Just pitching: Have them wearing big cartoon shoes. People love sad characters in big cartoon shoes. Also those big cartoon gloves, but that may be gilding.)
7. Don’t rule out shamelessness. If Congressional inquisitors close in for the kill, remind them we recently lost our beloved father figure. Tell them we’ve been bursting into tears for no reason and “just can’t seem to get our heads together.” Optional: Have whoever is seated next to Tim surreptitiously point at him and mouth This one’s no Steve, believe me.
8. Finally, if asked by Congressional investigators how we can justify a strategy of legal but ethically dodgy bookkeeping, smile winningly and chuckle “It just works.” Remember to hold for laugh.