Hello. I’m Fred Thompson for Bitcoin.

Hello. I’m Fred Thompson. If you’re like me you’ve been hearing a lot lately about Bitcoin, and you’ve been thinking: “A decentralized virtual currency secured by cryptography, with transactions verified by blockchain and confirmed by distributed consensus -- whaaaaaat?” And sure, it does sound like something your crazy old aunt would start shrieking after a couple of Dubonnets. But let me tell you, Bitcoin is here and it’s real, and it’s the best way for average folks like us to secure our financial futures against speculators and fancy uptown jerks in suits. I’m very proud to be associated with the white-hat hackers and open-source freaks at Bitcoin, and I’d like to send you this free, easy to-read guide explaining exactly what Bitcoin can do for you. (Holds up large, thick, heavy volume.) Bitcoin -- it’s like money, only harder to understand. Call today.

Hello. I’m Jesse L. Martin. Unlike my “Law & Order” cast mate Fred Thompson, I never served in the United States Senate. But then he never waited tables at Joe Allen to support himself while he went on an endless round of dehumanizing auditions, so I guess we’re about even, aren’t we? I’m extremely proud to be associated with The Zero Collective, the shadowy group of Middle Eastern businessmen behind ZapSpend. ZapSpend is a radical new currency based on a principle that’s so simple -- universal voluntary agreement to the idea that ZapSpend dollars, or “ZapSpendOs,” are worth whatever you believe them to be worth. I know it sounds nuts, but believe me, it works. I drew out the entire balance of my SAG pension and put it into ZapSpendOs, and within seconds I was a trillionaire, as far as I knew. I’d like to send my scene partner Doug to your house to show you a series of 68 interlocking Powerpoint decks that explain what ZapSpend can do for you. (Doug waves.) Won’t you call today?

Hello. I’m former senator Tom Daschle, and I might be Secretary of Health and Human Services today if President Obama had any spine. But that’s not what I’m here to talk to you about. You know, there’s a lot of fancy talk going around about why this virtual currency is better than that virtual currency. And with all due respect to my good friends Fred Thompson and Jesse L. Martin, they’re idiot dupes shilling for people whose purposes are darker than they can possibly comprehend. That’s why I’m so proud to be associated with NanoBux, a revolutionary new financial instrument that’s less a currency than the idea of a currency, wafting across the global banking system like a spring breeze, touching down here and there in a pattern that’s as new as tomorrow and as old as time itself. How does it work? Like this. (Closes eyes for a moment.) There. Did you see it? I just paid for the rental of this studio. (Someone starts hammering at the studio door, threatening to call the police.) NanoBux are -- well, they just are. And what could be simpler than that? I’d like to send you a guide to how NanoBux work-- No. Wait. (Closes eyes. Smiles.) I just did. Namaste. (Disappears in a flash of light.)

Hello. I’m Paul Sorvino. You might remember me as TV cop Phil Ceretta from "Law & Order." But I also played mob boss Paulie Cicero in my good friend Marty Scorsese’s epic drama “Goodfellas.” You think that’s confusing? Wait ‘til I tell you about these -- (Hollers offscreen) What are they called again? What are they? What? The name of it is what? That’s ridiculous. What are they? (Back to camera) Look, I don’t even know what they’re called. It’s some kind of a thing you put on your computer, and you buy things with it. It doesn’t even make sense. Everything’s all crazy now. No. You know what? No. I don’t need this. Life’s too short. (Walks off camera.) Where’s the kid? Where’s the kid with my car keys?

Hello. It’s Fred Thompson again. I know it feels like everything’s spun all out of control, and guys I used to work with are popping up on your teevee every five minutes telling you to draw your money out of the old savings and loan and put it into sophisticated new virtual currencies you can’t hold, or touch, or smell. But let me ask you this: What's so great about smelling money? Did you ever smell money? I mean good old US greenbacks. (Chuckles) If you did it even once I bet you never did it again. You don’t know where that old money’s been by the time it gets into your hands. It’s downright unsanitary, and even though he never worked on “Law & Order” or served in the U.S. Senate, I have my good friend Wilford Brimley standing by just off-camera to tell you the same thing. Now, I’m not going to bring him out here just yet, but you can take my word for it as a gentleman and an ex-senator and a member of the TV Academy. Here’s what I want you to do: Forget about Bitcoin. It’s a flash in the pan. That’s why I’m now so proud to be associated with a loosely-organized group of survivalist wackos who put all their money into gold bars and MREs. Because the End Times are coming, and Wilford would tell you the same. No, you still can’t see him. Get that dirty money out. Here’s your announcer to tell you where to send it.