10 Reasons Why It Sucks To Be Born During A Pandemic
Published in
2 min readMay 13, 2020
- You’ll probably be named “Covidia” if you’re a girl, or “Coron” if you’re a boy. Or “Wuhan” if your parents are sadistic.
- Unable to travel, none of your monied relatives will show up for your birth with their Jackson-filled envelopes and savings bonds for college. This will doom you to a state school later in life.
- As a possible asymptomatic infant carrier, grandma and grandpa will not be allowed to visit you for months. Unfortunately, they’re the relatives with the fat envelopes and generous savings bonds.
- You’ll forever be known in your family as “Our Little Coronavirus Child,” and looked upon with pity and derision.
- Misled by bad advice, your parents will bathe you in Clorox and Lysol to protect you from the virus. The caustic chemical burns will scar you for life.
- Trying to cut costs after losing her job, your mother will eat mostly off-brand sandwich cookies, sweet cereals, and cheap colas during your first three months of life. These sugary toxins will seep into her breast milk and ensure that you’ll suffer from malnourishment, mental-impairment and stunted emotional development.
- In those critical first weeks, when you need constant attention to grow up psychologically secure, you’ll be robbed by a bigger baby in the White…
