5 Amazing Facts You Need to Know About Moscow Mitch McConnell Right Now!
(With Fact Checking!)
5 Amazing Facts You Need to Know About Moscow Mitch McConnell Right Now!
- He was cursed by gypsies who did it as a favor to Stephen King.
- Fact-Check!
This first one about gypsies cursing Mitch McConnell isn’t completely true. Stephen King had nothing to do with it, the gypsies altruistically took it upon themselves to curse Moscow Mitch. Bless them.
2. He had childhood polio. It’s true. I tell you this to cheer you all up. To remind you that sometimes good and wonderful things do happen.*
*(I’m assuming Jonas Salk personally intervened to see that the McConnell family didn’t get any access to his polio vaccine).
I found this out when Meghan McCain tweeted “He had childhood polio!” to chastise all the many people on Twitter who were amused by a video of Mitch McConnell falling down, a group which included anyone who watched it.
“It’s not funny!” said universally accepted comedy evaluation expert, Meghan McCain.
Twitter helpfully informed her that their only regret was that McConnell didn’t relapse into polio as an adult.
3. James Bond failed us by not capturing McConnell before it was too late, or… you know, dropping him into a volcano,… whatever James Bond is supposed to do.
The real life version of Bond, an experienced MI-6 agent, had to inform the Queen he failed us all and how the world is now doomed.
4. Moscow Mitch’s wife, Elaine Chao, a woman who has mastered the art of overcoming revulsion, does another amazing trick where she violates every ethics rule ever invented and gives contracts directly to her family for building materials without taking bids from any other contractors.
The cover of Elaine Chao’s autobiography — “The art of grifting the US taxpayer for fun and profit”.
No, really. It’s true!
Back when we had a U.S. Government this would have been ‘a big deal’. (Oh those carefree pre-2016 days seem like centuries ago). The Republican Comedy & Swindle-Things Revue figured out if EVERYONE commits crimes then they’re no longer crimes.
In Elaine’s spare time she’s in charge of making sure Mitch makes it back into his terrarium to sit under his heat lamp and flick his tongue into the mist.
5. His ancestry DNA test shows he’s 47% Gamera the Giant Monster from Japan.
FACT CHECK!
Unproven. Thus far, anytime anyone has tried to take a DNA sample from Mitch McConnell, the sample would burn through the paper then burn through the table and then scurry off screaming. A good example of this phenomena can be seen in John Carpenter’s movie “The Thing”.
So there you have it.
If you see him, please ask Superman to stop Mitch McConnell if he’s not too busy doing absolutely nothing to help anyone. (Laziest. Costumed hero. Ever.).
And stay tuned for my upcoming article “We Need to Sneak a Message Into Kentucky Informing Them of How Mitch Mcconnell Is the Direct Cause of Their Dire Poverty, If We Are to Survive as a Country, Or, Species”.
Written by Steven W. Rouach
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