A Day in the Life of EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt

One man’s trash is another man’s treasure

Thursday

7:30 a.m. Emerge from fetid sleep chamber.

7:35 a.m. Yell at sun.

7:45 a.m. Crush weights with Paul Ryan.

8:45 a.m. Crush dreams with Paul Ryan.

9:30 a.m. Breakfast with Qrioyckl, queen of the bed bugs and everlasting ruler of the parasite kingdom.

10:30 a.m. Seduce Qrioyckl.

11:00 a.m. Call with Monsanto.

1:00 p.m. Lead Paint Ball Olympics

2 p.m. Offer teenagers access to dangerous fireworks under the pseudonym Scotty Fuego.

2:15 p.m. Judge shark fin soup eating contest.

4 p.m. Sell once-protected federal lands to the highest bidder.

4:30 p.m. Drill, baby! Drill! (Make dentist appt.)

6:00 p.m. Find pretty bird.

6:05 p.m. Kill pretty bird.

6:30 p.m. Get eaten out by a coal executive.

7:00 p.m. Pwn Old Faithful.

8:00 p.m. Masturbate to videos of hurricanes slamming into the earth.

8:03 p.m. Update Scotty Fuego Tinder Profile.

9:30 p.m. More hurricane porn.

10:00 p.m. Put on Batman Begins.

10:21 p.m. “Go Scarecrow, go! You’ve got this!”

10:35 p.m. “Fuck you, Batman!”

11:45 p.m. Slip into Labrador puppy fur coat robe.

11:40 p.m. Watch the Trump pee tapes (again), as required by our urine-obsessed Russian overlord.

12:45 a.m. Insert toxic sludge IV drip into arm.

12:47 a.m. Pray to Jesus, our Lord and Savior.