A Dispatch to my Beloved, on the Eve of the great Democratic Civil War.
My Darling,
I am writing to you on the eve of the great Democratic Civil War, for I fear this may be my last chance to correspond with you. There is much trepidation among the ranks, as our plan was recently leaked to the enemy by Pastor Alex Jones of Dementia Junction, Texas. We have lost the element of surprise, and the battle appears far more perilous now. For the enemy is now prepared and rumors have circulated that Thomas McNaughton is already preparing a painting of exceptional skill and biting social commentary.
I have just completed the most grueling period of basic training, where I was awoken at 10am every morn and forced to endure 45 minutes of yoga and pilates before heading to the mess tent for my ration of pour-over coffee and avocado toast (far more carbs than I prefer, but there are few keto options in war). It was necessary to sup this nourishment in a hurry and spend scant minutes perusing social media on one’s phone (the reception of which is abysmal), for crisis-actor training begins promptly at noon and the instructor is quite cranky. Then we had the rest of the day to do with as we please. This continued for over a week, until I feared that I may truly be broken by such hard work.
I began to wonder whether I would ever amount to anything in This Liberal Army, despite the dozens of participation trophies I have received, which clutter my bunk. But the hard work has finally paid off. This morning, orders were posted and I have been assigned to the elite 53rd Forced Diversity Brigade. Working with the UN, we shall be going door-to-door following the gun confiscations, and forcing any Christians to convert to Islam or something weirder, then to gay marry somebody of another race. Any children we find will be given marijuana and sent to the “Pizza Parlor” (wink, wink). It is dangerous but necessary work, if we are to Destroy America, as Pastor Jones so rightly surmised. Please keep me in your meditations, and if I do not return, I ask only that you name your next abortion after me.
Yours truly,
Tecumseh Pelosi-Streisand III,
July 3, 2018
