A Millenial Watergate.
Woodward & Bernstein had Nixon & the tapes, and now at long last, after being forced to endure the slings and arrows of coverage beneath his abilities (see Bleed for This, Bradley Cooper’s Beard enjoys Wimbledon) The Slim Dipper has his career defining scandal: SnapGate.
Like Mr. Holland before him, this will be Samuel’s Opus. His Rosebud. His Starry Night.
At his Quill Gala induction into the Writer’s Hall of Fame the passage that begins “A Word on Rick Rubin..” will be read in full by Rick Rubin.
He will read it from memory, on a couch, not disimilar from the couch seen in SnapGate. And while it will not be the same couch, it will be a close enough fascimile so as to lend an extra air of authenticity to a moment long overdue. Also, Rick will reveal that he was in fact the mastermind behind the decisions where to cut in Kim’s final Snapchat edit, as well as the choice to slow down Kanye’s reading of the line “I feel like me & Taylor..” for dramatic effect. After all, the man is a Svengali. He invented Spotify. In 2007. He’s essentially the Samuel Donsky of music.
NY Times The Music Man, Sept 2. 2007
“Rubin has a bigger idea. To combat the devastating impact of file sharing, he says that the future of the industry is a subscription model, much like paid cable on a television set. “You would subscribe to music,” Rubin explained, as he settled on the velvet couch in his library. “You’d pay, say, $19.95 a month, and the music will come anywhere you’d like. In this new world, there will be a virtual library that will be accessible from your car, from your cellphone, from your computer, from your television.”
AS HE SETTLED ON A VELVET COUCH. The signs were there all along.
It’s not unlikely that conference calls are taking place right this very minute to relieve Donsky of all his writing duties for the remainder of the summer. Off his plate and shifted to Jason Concepcion is an in depth review of all the times James Franco appears shirtless in the trailer for GOAT tentatively titled “Nick Jonas upstaged by James Franco’s Abs: Winners & Losers.” So too, has Mallory Rubin been tapped to replace the Donk who had pitched a think piece on “The 5 new hairstyle options for Ryan Reynolds” and their immediate impact on his chances of landing the role of Sundance in the reboot of Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid, co-starring a reluctant to participate but contractually obligated Ryan Gosling.
The Donk is singularly capable of deciphering the data, and analyzing the metrics to fully unpack what we are all experiencing. Which celebrities are choosing sides, which publications have been paid off by which camps, who is Khloe slut-shaming this week in a photo meant to have been but is evidently not Chloe-Grace? Expect Winners & Losers listicles, Donsky style.
And lost amongst all of the hashtags, #IStandWithTaylor, #KimExposedTaylorParty, have we forgotten about the truest loser in all of this back and forth?
Poor Tom. He’s just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to love him. And right now in the aftermath of a scandal played out on the front pages of Snapchat, Instagram & Twitter, he’s also asking his publicist, his agent, his business manager, and his management company if this scandal hurts or helps his chances of becoming the next James Bond.
Rumors are also swirling that Adam Wiles is headed to the studio to prepare a song about the scandal, to be sung by none other than Rihanna. In a Machiavellian twist though, this song too will be revealed to have been written by Taylor Swift as well, because really her talent is limitless & the entertainment industry is as planned and scripted as an episode of Empire.
Really, the Slim Dipper is just getting started and the greatest bombshells are yet to come. Just imagine the shock, the outrage when it’s revealed that Taylor also knew that Kanye pre-planned to take the stage and interrupt her MTV Award moment, and that conversation too was taped… by Beyonce herself. And they say the Illuminati isn’t real.
Epilogue: Taylor Swift made $160 Million last year, Kim made $85 Million and this is the best thing that could have ever happened to either of their brands.
