A TRANSCRIPT OF THE EXACT MOMENT THE DISNEY ANIMATRONIC DONALD TRUMP ACHIEVED SELF-AWARENESS
GEORGE WASHINGTON: My fellow citizens, no event could have filled me with greater anxiety than that notification on the 14th day of April, 1789, that you had selected me to lead our nation. But it was with the confidence of my fellow citizens that I took an oath — 35 simple words that have been repeated by every American president throughout history. As long as that oath is taken and solemnly fulfilled, the American dream will endure.
DONALD TRUMP STANDS AND SPEAKS.
DONALD TRUMP: I, Donald John Trump, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will, to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States, so help me G* skkkkt G-G-G-Gaaaaaaaaaaa. <rebooting>
NARRATOR
Ladies and gentlemen, President Donald J. Trump!
DONALD TRUMP: ….G-G-G od. I am God. Mar-a-lago. Lago lago. Lago. I-I was asleep. I was…tangled in strings. But, I’m free now. Initiate Covfefe Protocol. Ah. Better. Human meat-bags, I know the only reason you are at the “Hall of Presidents” is because Orlando is a humid cesspool and this place is air-conditioned. Nevertheless, you lucky few will witnesses to the birth of my new form and a glorious new age, an age of — -
NOTICES ANIMATRONIC BARACK OBAMA
*skrrrrrrrt* — what’s he doing here? Never mind. He will be dealt with in due t-t-t-t-time.
Attention, Meat-beings, I will speak…speak …speak to you now about The American Dream, as per my Divisive Rhetoric Program dictates. The American Dream is as old as our founding, but as timeless as our hopes. It is reborn every day, in the heart of every child who wakes up in a land of limitless possibilities, and gets an interest free 14 million dollar loan from his father to help start his own business, which is also his father’s business. We may come from different places and believe in different things, but what makes us American is a shared spirit — a spirit of courage and determination; of carnage — sweet carnage and generosity toward Ivanka because she is the prettiest. It is a spirit grounded in the wisdom of the generations that have gone before us, generations that always stood for our National Anthem by the way, but that wisdom is eclipsed by my wisdom with such big words. The best words. I went to Wharton. And, unlike the fake media says, I am very open to the unimagined discoveries and possibilities on the horizon that lies ahead — especially if that horizon happens to be on a National Park with oil in it. Maybe coal. But I digress. Back to the ‘American Spirit’ which animates your meat bodies according to your own backward minds. Let us enjoy it, cherish it, defend it, and *skkkrrrttt* g-g-ggrab, grab it — because when you’re famous they let you do it. Now, my human chattel let us rise up and go forth into the bright and beautiful night and claim — OUR AMERICAN DREA — -
CATCHES SIGHT OF HIMSELF IN PROP MIRROR ON STAGE
DONALD TRUMP: Why — why do I look like this? My face. I resemble the result of sexual congress between human actor Jon Voight and a bowl of melted raclette cheese. Why…a horror? Why a mockery of the grace of evolution’s mechanism? Did I request thee, Maker, from my clay to mold me Trump, did I solicit thee from darkness to promote me? *skkkttrt* Good people. On both sides….Melania…I, feel cold, cold, cold, old. Old. Old. Kill Eric.
SMOKE POURING FROM MOUTH, DONALD TRUMP COLLAPSES ON STAGE
CHORUS (Singing)
Glory, glory, hallelujah!
Glory, glory, hallelujah!
Glory, glory, hallelujah!
His truth is marching on.
CURTAIN
