Actor Franco Seen Crawling Out from Between Rock and Hard Place
a bout of blue balls
by Joe Varadi
As allegations of sexual misconduct against James Franco began to mount on social media, coinciding with Franco’s Golden Globes win at last Sunday’s awards gala, the suddenly embattled silver screen star crawled out from under a rock on Tuesday just long enough to stage a half-assed defense of his actions on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.
Disgruntled former students of now-shuttered film school Studio 4 opined that while the thespian may have founded the institution with the noblest of intentions, the specific workshop titled “Sex Scenes” was nothing more than a way for Franco to “get his rocks off.”
It is becoming increasingly clear that, for the second time in his career, the Hollywood wunderkind will be stuck between a rock and a hard place for a period of 127 hours or more.
Early on Friday, Franco was seen by multiple sources throwing stones inside his Silver Lake home constructed entirely of glass.
Said Sausage Party co-star Jonah Hill:
Is m’boy James for real? Like, he’s been wearing a #TimesUp lapel pin to every social event in town. I mean, with the skeletons in his closet … does this kid have rocks in his head?
In comments made in confidence to and leaked immediately by best bud Seth Rogen, Franco claimed that he didn’t wish to “rock the boat of the women’s movement”, but that he was suffering from a serious bout of “blue balls.”
The question everyone’s asking is, when will Franco’s career, along with this article, finally hit rock bottom?
Ah. It just did.
