Truth In Satire

After Call To Space Station, Trump Says “I Prefer Astronauts Who Aren’t Affected By Weightlessness”

President seems unaware that there is no gravity in space

President Trump, with his space cadet daughter Ivanka at his side, speaking with astronaut Dr. Peggy Whitson on Monday. (Credit: Stephen Crowley/The New York Times)

President Trump called the International Space Station on Monday to congratulate astronaut Dr. Peggy Whitson, known by her social media nickname “AstroPeggy,” for surpassing the 534-day record for time spent by an American in space.

Space time record holder Dr. Peggy Whitson just passed 534-days on the International Space Station. (Credit: BBC)

He then told reporters at the White House a few minutes later, “I’m glad she beat the record, but I don’t like it when I’m talking to someone and they’re floating around. I’m not sure if that’s a woman thing, or specific to Ms. Whitson, but she ought to get a grip on herself acting like an airhead out there in space when she’s representing America.”

CBS Washington correspondent John Dickerson immediately asked the president if he understood that astronaut Whitson had no control over her weightlessness due to the absence of gravity in space. Mr. Trump responded, “I know a lot about space, because I’m a smart person. I also know that if someone puts their mind to it, they can overcome any obstacle, like I did with the severe bone spurs in my feet after high school. Dr. Whitson just needs to get tougher…or we need to get a man out there to replace her.”

The president was also asked about a baffling comment he made during the call to the space station, suggesting to Dr. Whitson that NASA should undertake a mission to Mars during his first term in office, although the space agency has repeatedly indicated that the earliest launch date for sending an American to the red planet would be the 2030's.

According to Dr. Whitson, President Trump asked her if she thought the Mars environment was “too harsh for a world-class golf resort?”

“This is another example of people at NASA sitting on their hands instead of aiming higher, faster, farther,” said the president in an exasperated tone. “But I plan to light a fire under those eggheads. I just put Jared in charge of NASA with instructions to land a man on Mars by July 1st. This isn’t rocket science — we need to make America great in space again!”

Ivanka Trump remained mostly silent during the congratulatory call to mission commander Whitson, except when the astronaut commented that the space station crew gets its precious drinking water by purifying its own urine. When she heard this, Ms. Trump blurted out, “Eww, Daddy, that’s gross, make her stop!”

Dr. Whitson, who is 57-years-old, left for the International Space Station in November and is due to return to earth in September. The outspoken astronaut did express concern after her launch, around the time of the election, that Mr. Trump’s well-publicized, anti-science positions might jeopardize the future of the NASA space program.

Asked if she still felt that way after speaking with the president Monday, Dr. Whitson said, “Well, off-camera the president asked me if we’d seen any planets with terrain suitable ‘to build the galaxy’s most incredible golf course.’ So I’m not sure he fully understands what we’ve been sent up here to accomplish or the scientific value of our mission.”

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