As Good As it Gaetz
This Weak in Politics, Vol. 252
July 1, 2021
One of the most difficult parlor games in the United states these days is guessing which Republican is so irredeemably offensive that he or she (but let’s face it, he) will become the frontrunner for the 2024 republican presidential nomination. The competition these past couple of weeks for who is the biggest stool in the GOP stoolbox has become unexpectedly intense.
Florida man Ron DeSantis had been in the catbird seat, but sitting at the same table as President Biden during a horrific crisis as he did this week might be just enough humanity to sentence him to the John McCain trash heap of Republican has beens.
Then there’s another Florida “man,” Matt Gaetz.
Gaetz, a backbencher in the House — which usually doesn’t garner national Republican attention — may be engaged in sex-trafficking of a minor. If true, this could well catapult him to the top of the GOP.
Crack addict Q-anon conspiracy theorist, Mike Lindel, aka “Crack addict Q-anon conspiracy theorist, Mike Lindell,” is claiming he’s seen so much evidence of election fraud (which he’s apparently keeping to himself) that he knows for a fact the Supreme Court will reinstate Donald Trump as president on a 9–0 vote in August. (For those of you who aren’t tuned in to the proper tin foil frequency, August is the month the court historically does all its president removin’ and reinstatin’ business.) He could well be formidable. As the “pillow guy” he has a hidden, built-in base — many high ranking republicans love tightly clutching a pillow guy — they just do so from the anonymity of their closets.
As merely a Senate candidate and pink shirt-wearing, racist gun guy, Mark McCloskey, is a longshot for the presidency, but he’s beginning to show signs of national ambition. Just this week, for example, he rolled out his new campaign ploy: Vote for me or I ‘ll shoot off my wife’s elbow.
Rudy Giuliani just last week lost his license to practice law in NYC because of his dishonesty. That is exactly the type of thing that impresses Republicans, so maybe he, too, can be in the mix. And don’t forget, also shoring up Rudy’s potential campaign hopes is this fact… the man is just a couple of nose hairs away from being indicted.
By the way, not to rub it in, but too dishonest to be a New York lawyer??? We were unaware there was such a thing. That’d be like being too young for Matt Gaetz, or boobs being too big for Juggs Magazine. A friend told us about this publication. Apparently, its claim to fame was that every issue had on its cover a pair of ginormous boobs. To wit:
With Rudy having recently held a presser at a landscape company parking lot, getting laughed out of virtually every court he’s recently set foot in, being viewed as less credible than Sidney Powell, being called a clown by Bill Barr — with whom Trump agreed, and then getting his license suspended, it’s impossible to imagine someone as bad at lawyering as Rudy.
Ok, nearly impossible.
In case you missed it, the prosecutor who botched the Bill Cosby prosecution, was none other than Bruce Castor, the attorney for Donald Trump. His incompetence led to the release of Cosby. In the Trump case, Castor was given a fixed jury and still nearly blew it. In his defense, he still achieved something many Republican Senators (we won’t name names) only wish they could do… get Donald Trump off.
Between Trump and now Cosby, Castor has now gotten more men off than… (submit your own joke here — and stop looking at South Carolina!)
Ok, ok. That was too easy. Not all of our congressional fill-in-the-blanks are easy though. For example, complete this one with certainty: The biggest a*hole in GOP leadership is named “McC_______.”
Not so easy after all, eh?
Speaking of congress, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi this week named members to the House Select Committee on the January 6th insurrection. Republicans claim they already know enough about what happened on that fateful day — antifa and BLM disguised themselves as white Republican Trump supporters and peacefully toured the US Capitol — that no inquiry is needed. Besides, they’re busy trying to get the NSA to come clean about tapping into Tucker Carlson’s tin foil tighty whities.
It just occurred to us that “Tucker Carlson’s tin foil tighty whities” might well be the best description of the GOP we have ever heard.
As a result of Republican obstructionism (or Republicanism for short), Pelosi decided to punish the right by naming the über conservative, knuckle-dragging daughter of Darth Vader to the committee. Republicans, who have been snowflaking for months about bipartisanship, responded to the seating of Liz Cheney to the committee by threatening to strip her (Cheney) of her committee assignments.
In other news, the delta variant of the deadly Chinese hoax is quietly running amok in the country, with a particular focus on areas where there are fewer people vaccinated. Shocker.
On the subject of flying, last week the federal government released a long-awaited report about UFOs. NASA said that in over 140 incidents they couldn’t really determine what they were seeing or what the objects were doing. We don’t want to get Q-Anon/GOP members’ tinfoil panties* in a bunch, but this is probably how the late Hugo Chavez stole the election for Joe Biden.
(*Reynolds Wrap folks — are you smelling the opportunities we’re cooking here?)
NASA announced that while they couldn’t truly identify some of the objects in question, they maintain that there is no cause for concern.
Then they sent this guy out to deliver the message that there is no evidence of alien life.
They also urge media outlets to replace the term “UFO,” which lends itself to preconceived notions of flying saucers with “Unidentified Aerial Phenomena.”
As for the former president, his organization and his Chief Financial Officer were indicted this week on charges of state and federal tax fraud. Trump responded by releasing a simple statement asking “Who shot Ashli Babbitt?” in reference to the Q-anon terrorist who was shot while touristing through a shattered window near the House chamber on January 6th.
Many attribute the former president’s erratic behavior to a simple diversionary tactic, while others attribute it to some previously undiagnosed STD, or Unidentified Venereal Phenomena as they are now called.
And in the world of sport, the 2021 Tour de France set a new record this week for crashing more times in its first few days than the Obamacare website did. One of the crashes that has garnered the most attention was caused when an exuberant fan held a sign in the way of the riders.
Much of the sporting world wants an investigation in to the incident, but here in the US, there is again division. Republicans say the Tour de France fiasco was much ado about nothing, noting that if you look at the photos, it looks like a normal tourist bike ride.
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