Bannon Exits White House To Pull Strings More Comfortably From Own Couch
The Internet has reacted gleefully to reports of Bannon’s exit from the White House. Many believe he was pushed out, but Bannon just reached out to us, a very important publication, to personally clear the record. It makes absolute sense that he would reach out to this very important publication and in no way seems like we’re playing into any veiled diabolical scheme. The American Prospect knows what we’re talking about, right?
This reporter managed to carve out time in a busy schedule to take Bannon’s call, right between the grooming of an imaginary cat and whittling several Audre Lorde statuettes out of balsa wood. Bannon, in his own words, was “chillin’ like a villain”. “I don’t see what the big deal is,” he started. “My commute just sucked, it was the worst. And we all agreed that since everything in my job description can be done remotely, it would be ok if I mainly stayed on my couch.”
What is his job description we wondered? “Yeah, it’s mostly string-related: the tending of existing strings, weaving new strings and, principally, the pulling of strings.” Mr Bannon’s affinity with strings begun at an early age. “I was very forgetful and one day I just tied a piece of string to my finger as a reminder - my Mein Kampf copy was so overdue at the library you wouldn’t believe it!” he chuckles and shakes his head. “But then the funniest thing happened, I noticed that every time I twitched my finger the Yen would drop a couple of points. I didn’t give it much importance at first, but one day I really tugged at that sucker and the Nikkei practically hit the floor. I guess I just… found my calling.”
Mr Bannon also finds that his telecommuting actually improves his effectiveness. “You know in the White House, it got a bit messy. My office was like in the middle of the building and my strings had to bend around all of these corners and doors. Just so much friction, it really slowed them down, some would fray. Now from my couch, it’s pretty straightforward, a few of them even feed directly into my TV set, it’s really been a fantastic upgrade.”
—
If you enjoyed this you might like some of my other pieces. These seemed to be popular:
- POETRY NEWZ: Stephen Miller Inaugurates The Antiheroic Epic,
- Furniture Resigns From Trump’s Manufacturing Council
- Protecting White People from Affirmative Action Is Not Enough,
- Spicer Resigns To Spend More Time With Props,
- 4 Other Places Where David Brooks’ Friend Got Uncomfortable,
- Job Prospects For The Mooch,
- Trump’s crazy attorney issues an apology.
