Ben Carson Donates the Crates His $30,000 Office Chair Came in, to be Used as Housing for the Poor.

“TEN TIMES I tried to swallow a lightbulb. — TEN TIMES!!! I thought it would make me brighter, but that’s just a myth!” Says manically befuddled Ben Carson.

Ah, Ben Carson, the only brain surgeon that ever operated on his own brain while high on PCP, has decided to take a break on his endeavors to help the poorest amongst us get more fresh air by taking away their housing, to donate the crates and cardboard boxes his new office chair came in, to the poor, to be used as shelter from the elements.

As many of us know, Ben Carson decided he desperately needed a $30,000 office chair to properly do his job of hurting the poor, despite the fact that his job description says he’s supposed to HELP the poor. (Imagine that…).

Carson even had people at HUD — DEMOTED — for saying things like “WHAT!?! You CAN’T SPEND $30,000 dollars in HUD money to buy yourself a chair! Are you INSANE?”

In fairness, the chair, itself only cost $15,000 dollars, but Mr. Carson insisted on spending another $15,000 to have all four original members of KISS re-unite to take turns singing to the chair, in a very special private concert. (This event was covered by the publication “Musical Chairs Magazine”).

The chair itself has hovercraft capabilities, so Mr. Carson can use it to travel over air AND water to different public housing complexes, where he plans to get stuck in as many elevators as he possibly can, as he continues in his plans to repopulate the homeless community by taking away the housing of the non-homeless community.

I interviewed Mr. Carson, and here’s that interaction.

Me: Mr. Carson, thank you for speaking with me. I must admit that IS a pretty awesome hover-chair!

Carson: The original members of KISS SANG to it!!!

Me: Yes, I know. That makes it even MORE impressive. What would you say to the people who are upset that you’re on a mission to hurt the poor, and that you’re spending exorbitant amounts of money on furniture for an office you hold where you’re doing a horrific job?

Carson: Well, I’d like to answer that by humming tunelessly for a while, and then responding with a very complex interpretive dance, because my brain is broken, tiny orange hippo wearing a tutu!!

Me: Inspiring words, indeed. What would you say to the nation’s poor?

Carson: Stop being lazy and take a job you’re horrendously and dangerously unqualified for. How do you think I became a brain surgeon? All I did was fill out a bunch of fake documents and diplomas, and just started opening up people’s skulls and fiddling around in there, learning on the job. Did you know there’s like, ridgy grey stuff inside people’s heads?

Me: You mean their brains…

Carson: YES! That’s the word I was looking for. I thought I left it with my luggage, which I also lost. MY brain is broken, purple dancing dog-blanket Watusi! Anyway I’m also very, very, very, unqualified to be in charge of public housing, which is exactly why I was put into this position by Mr. Trump. His exact words were “I need a black guy, but I need one without a lick of sense, and you’re my only option. What would you like to destroy?”

Me: Um.. yeah, wow that’s weird… anyway, you are planning to donate these crates and cardboard boxes your furniture came in, to the extremely poor people who were hurt by you personally…

Carson: YES! I’m picturing shanty-towns all over America, as far as the eye can see, so that us rich folks can feel better about our own lives by seeing the poor live that way. It gives us a sense of happiness and accomplishment. Can I open your skull and look at your… what’s that word…

Me: (Sigh)… Brains. And no, I’m fine.

Carson: MY brain is broken! Rhinoceros Leg-Warmers Kosher Buffet!

So, as you can tell from this exchange, the poor are in excellent hands as far as their destruction and great peril are concerned. Join me next time as we discuss Scott Pruitt’s AMAZING spending spree, which includes $50,000,000 dollars in travel expenses, and a $250,000,000 dollar budget in order for Pruitt to be able to hunt human beings for sport in an undisclosed location.

Pictured: The joy of sitting in a $30,000 dollar Hover-Chair. (Illustration by Mark M Johnson).

Written by Steven W. Rouach.

• FUN FACT : Every time you give a round of applause at bottom of the page of one of my stories, I literally leap up and take a bow. True story.
• If You Follow Me, I Will Lead You Into Nonsense.
• Here’s my Facebook group (Join Us!!) https://www.facebook.com/groups/punchedbyasnowflake/
• If you’d like to support my writing, please do so here: https://www.patreon.com/StevenRouach

©2018 SWRouach