Ben Carson Gets Stuck In Elevator, Then Somehow Locks Himself In Own Car, Then Loses Luggage, Then Claims To Be A Bird.
By Steven W. Rouach
With heavy hitting newsmakers such as Trump, Tillerson, and Spicer gobbling up all the headlines poor Ben Carson’s AMAZING comedic stylings sometimes get lost in the mix.
With so much headline news, people forget how the former brain surgeon turned comedian boldly claimed to have performed over 1200 brain surgeries in the US despite having no real, nor fictional, medical training, resulting in over 1200 hilarious deaths, with Carson going so far as to actually medically attach some of his patient’s brains to the outside of their heads in the name of comedy. He also had a running gag where he’d lose his luggage during interviews after which Trump made him in charge of the Department of Housing and Urban Development, because Trump thought it would be “funny”, and it was.
But it’s hard for Carson to stay in the spotlight due to so many news developments all over the US.
This week alone:
United Airlines unveiled an exciting new program where any Asian gentleman over 65 can be brutally beaten and dragged unconscious from any domestic flight with no added cost, as a free promotion to massochists. For fans of blunt force head trauma inflicted on the elderly, it’s an excellent time to fly United.
Sean Spicer told a rapt press corps about the new Trump administration’s plans to soften Hitler’s image due to the many Trump-Hitler comparisons making the rounds on the net, and have even started a webpage on the White House website called “Cats that look like Hitler”
Trump and Kim Jong-un, (who’s comedic styling as a duo harkens back to the best of Martin & Lewis, although many are saying they’re more our generation’s answer to Abbott and Costello), have started their exciting plans to finally put the funny back into full scale nuclear war.
And:
Rex Tillerson met with Russia’s own Vladimir Putin as pictured here
They spoke at great length about Syria, for 1.7 seconds, as can be seen in this transcript below:
Tillerson- “Hey Vlad, I’m supposed to mention Syria and now I just did, so let’s talk about that OIL DEAL!!! Whatcha say comrade?
Putin- “Ok good, so check out these maps Tilly-goose, what’s your thoughts on distribution?”
So, poor Ben Carson’s HILARIOUS antics just get lost in the shuffle. Bigly unfair. Sad.
Carson responded with a new skit where he got trapped in an elevator, due to his not pressing any buttons and just standing there for 127 hours before rescuers sawed into the elevator and pushed the lobby button for him. Said a local firefighter, Bernie Caliente:
“Oh Carson had us all in stitches, but we decided to not let him operate on our brains and he removed the stitches. All of us were doubled over in laughter due to his zany antics, and sure, while we were rescuing him there was a four alarm fire down the street that killed six entire families because we were all busy here hysterically laughing, but we really feel it was almost worth it. The man is comedy GOLD! He’s a national treasure!”
Later that day Carson did a bit where he locked himself in his own car for an entite 2 days, and followed it up by getting stuck in a revolving door. He then did his classic “lost luggage” bit again for the amusement of the press, and ended with a new bit where he thinks he’s a bird.
He said in an interview with Comedic Urban Housing Weekly Magazine:
“I did things with brains even though I didn’t know how. I’m surprised they let me just walk into hospitals and perform brain surgeries with no credentials, but the rules were way more lax in those days. I think my own brain head-meat has gone bad, purple horseshoe elephant toaster, and did you know slaves came here to become immigrants seeking a better life through slavery? Cheese talks to me but it doesn’t speak english. I don’t think enough urban people have their brains removed and stitched to the outside of their heads, so I’m here to fix that”.
When asked about his appointment by Trump, Carson responded:
“Mr. Orangeman who grew up in a grove gave me the job. He’s sad because his brother was squeezed into juice by Anita Bryant many years ago, and was available with or without pulp. He has a hair-hat but I couldn’t figure out where his brain was and think someone beat me to it.”
Carson later held his own town hall styled meeting with citizens concerned with urban housing, where he challenged everyone in attendance to physically fight him for $50.
However, Carson’s comedy isn’t universal and people who prefer sane government over comedic government have reservations about Carson.
Senate Democratic leader Chuck Schumer said in a statement:
“I have serious concerns about Dr. Carson’s lack of expertise and experience in dealing with housing issues”,… “a strange fit for Housing Secretary, to say the least.”
Nancy Pelosi, meanwhile, called Carson “a disconcerting and disturbingly unqualified choice. They should have went with Eddie Murphy, Katt Williams or Dave Chapelle who are all way, way better qualified for the job of Housing Secretary.”
Carson responded to these criticisms by inventing a bit whereas he keeps getting lost in a walk-in closet, causing rescue workers to double over in laughter, which can be seen on Comedy Central’s website.
I contacted Mr. Carson, and he sent me an e-mail in response to this story:
“Dear Steve Rouach, I’m a BIRD. I’m a giant GIANT bird. I have feathers and I can fly. Wheeeeee! Now I’m eating a worm because I’m such a big bird! Now I’m sitting on an egg! Maybe we can put people who live in urban housing into EGGS, and then put those eggs into CARTONS! Isn’t that FUN!!!! Thanks for your interest in my Godfather remake. My brain hurts all the time now, and I sometimes pass out. Skinny jeans dancing peanut butter!”
So for those who love to laugh — Keep reading my articles to keep up with the world of government issued comedy, and keep smiling through your terror.
Steven W. Rouach.
FUN FACT : Every time you hit the little “recommend” heart on the bottom of the page of one of my stories, an angel gets its wings, instead of plummeting to a horrifying death due to winglessness.
c2017SWRouach
