Beyond Hamilton: 5 Cunning Distractions Trump Will Use To Distract The Public From His Crimes
Donald Trump recently made headlines by writing multiple, thin-skinned tweets protesting the treatment Vice President Michael Pence received while attending a Broadway production of Hamilton. These tweets provoked such outrage that the press largely ignored that Trump was settling a lawsuit over his crooked “university” for 25 million dollars, and also apparently chose his cabinet on the basis of his “What would Jesse Helms do?” bracelet?
It subsequently was argued that Trump’s obnoxious tweets about Hamilton were nothing but a smokescreen to distract people from focussing on what’s truly important and unforgivable about his administration. As a trusted member of Trump’s inner circle, I’ve learned this interpretation is true. I’ve also uncovered the next five distractions Trump and his administration intend to use to distract a fickle public from their real crimes. Don’t be fooled! Here they are.
Distraction: Trump derides the Presidents on Mount Rushmore as “haters and losers” and proposes that they be replaced by the images of his children
Real Crisis: Mike Pence somehow pushes through a bill that makes it illegal to be a woman, criminalizing an entire gender
Distraction: Trump enrages comedy buffs by inexplicably calling Dave Chappelle “the poor man’s Carlos Mencia” and arguing that his career peaked with “that classic ode to New York nightlife in the 1980s, 200 Cigarettes”
Real Crisis: Trump repeals the 19th amendment, on the basis that 47 percent of all white women still didn’t vote for him
Distraction: At a press conference, Trump horrifies the nation by loudly announcing that national treasure Mel Brooks “probably poops himself regularly, he’s so old” and that Gene Wilder was “overrated, and maybe made what, one good movie?”
Real Crisis: Trump declares war on Italy after someone with an Italian-sounding name writes something mean on one of Melania’s Instagram photos
Distraction: Nerds all over the world recoil in horror when Trump calls Back To The Future “a total disaster featuring a boring performance from the tedious Michael J. Fox” and that the only good thing about the trilogy was “there were some pretty horses in the third one”
Real Crisis: Trump issues an executive order rescinding the Bill of Rights
Distraction: During a visit to Ellis Island, Trump once again sets off a firestorm of controversy by calling The Statue Of Liberty “Totally Gross” and “Barely a 5” and insists that she be replaced by a giant statue of Ivana in a bikini
Real Crisis: Because he’s annoyed by the lack of re-tweets he’s been receiving, Trump declares thermonuclear war on the world, ushering in the apocalypse
Nathan Rabin is a dad, columnist and the author of five books, most recently 7 Days In Ohio: Trump, the Gathering of the Juggalos and the Summer Everything Went Insane, which has just been released in a hugely expanded version
