Big Beer Does Climate Change

Joe Six Pack Mightily Confused

ST LOUIS — St. Louis is the unofficial capital of famously skeptical Missouri, the Show Me State. For example, when it comes to Climate Change, one might easily claim the residents of the state among the unbelievers.

Indeed, Missouri Attorney General Attorney General Eric Schmitt has just lined up the attorneys general of eleven other states to join him in suing the Biden Administration over a recent executive order addressing Climate Change.

Schmitt called it a “massive expansion of federal regulations through executive order, potentially impacting nearly every aspect of the economy and Missouri household.”

What also affects the Missouri household is the fortunes of Big Beer. St. Louis is the unofficial capital of Big Beer and home to Anheuser-Busch — maker of American favorites Budweiser and the eponymous Busch Beer — and Big Beer is going green.

The reason why?

The news that marijuana home growth is increasing greenhouse gas emissions.

“Privately, they’re relieved,” said Seth Pelham, Big Beer consultant. “All these legalized marijuana laws are eating into the market share. Now, they finally have something to fight back with.”

Pelham claimed that Big Beer’s market share was steadily losing ground to marijuana because of expanding waistlines. A twelve ounce can of Budweiser beer is 137 calories.

“If your maintenance weight is, say, two thousand calories a day, one six pack is getting near half of your diet, alone,” he said. “That’s extra weight going to your belly every day and the missus tends to notice such things over the years. Marijuana changes all that.”

Studies showing that home growth of marijuana — with its needs of intense lighting and environmental controls — is increasing drains on the electrical grid, driving up natural gas consumption and increasing the country’s greenhouse gas emissions.

Though none would confirm it, the Big Beer Three — MolsonCoors (formerly MillerCoors) in Chicago, Pabst Brewing Company in Milwaukee and Anhueser-Busch in St. Louis — are reportedly throwing in with one another to mount a multi-million dollar advertising campaign marketing beer as the beverage of the socially conscious consumer.

“Oh, we’re doing it all right,” claimed a Pabst official, speaking on background. “Look for it around Memorial Day,” he added. “All of it aimed at one guy, Joe Six Pack.”

Their efforts might prove a hard sell with their customers, however.

“Bullshit,” said a regular at Harvey’s Pub who would not divulge his name “in case the bitch gets on me about her check.”

Harvey’s Pub, a little scruffy around the edges tavern, is a stone’s throw from the House that Beer Built, Busch Stadium, in St. Louis.

My new correspondent refused to believe that Big Beer was going green. “That’s all liberal bullshit. Like Climate Change. It’s all a hoax!”

His buddies at the bar all nodded. One, a burly man named Ted and sporting a Cardinals hat, drained his can of Bud Light with a loud belch before declaring, “Beer is American! Like baseball!”

His pals applauded him with cheers. After a moment, he continued, albeit, fumbling a bit.

“Weed is…I don’t know…socialist or something.”