BREAKING — Anonymous Sources Say Entire Syria Thing Is Fucking Bullshit
In response to unverifiable allegations from anonymous sources being published by the Associated Press and circulated as fact by other news outlets asserting Russian involvement with the highly suspicious and completely unproven Idlib gas attack, more unverifiable allegations have surfaced from further anonymous sources to counter the unverifiable allegations of those anonymous sources.
“Those anonymous sources are wrong,” said one anonymous source of the claims made by AP’s anonymous source. “This whole thing is bullshit and everyone is lying.”
When pressed for details on how the anonymous source knew AP’s anonymous source wasn’t telling the truth, the source said, “I’ve got my sources,” adding, “You can’t talk to them, though. They only speak to me on condition of anonymity.”
“Don’t listen to him,” another anonymous source interjected. “I’ve got way better anonymous sources than he has!”
“Both of you cut it out,” said a third anonymous source, slapping one across the face and poking the other in the eyes with two fingers. “You want the lowdown on Syria, kid? Here it is: Some guy told me that some guy told him that something that I can’t tell you about, but here’s the thing — It wasn’t Russia.”
“Trust me, I know what I’m talking about,” he continued. “I’ve spent a very secret amount of years in the[redacted] section of the [redacted] intelligence community and I’ve [redacted] many [redactions] along the way, sometimes even paying for it! And never in my life have I been so sure that what that guy said to the guy I know is the god-awful honest truth so help me God.”
At that moment, a man in a Guy Fawkes mask ran up behind the anonymous source, bashed him in the head with a two-by-four, and loaded him into a black van with the help of several other masked men.
“You want unverifiable alligators from anonymous sources?” said the masked man, whose masked goon squad brought in several large alligators on leashes. “I’ve got the best alligators. The best in the world! I got these alligators from President Xi Jinping straight from China. China, China, China China China. All those other anonymous alligators are fake news! Very fake news! Sad!”
“Err, allegations,” I replied. “I’m scooping allegations from anonymous sources.”
“Yeah, and mine are the best!” the anonymous source replied. “I’m gonna fill a moat with these babies on the Mexican border! And do you know who’s gonna pay for it?”
“Mexico?” I asked tentatively.
“No,” the source said. “China.”
“Look,” I said in exasperation, “do all you anonymous sources really need to be anonymous? Is this really what journalism has come to? Can’t one of you just come forward and take responsibility for the information I’m making available to the public?”
“Why would we do that?” asked an anonymous source. “Then we’d have to tell the truth!”
“Hmm, good point,” I said. “Do you guys have any more of those masks?”
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