Breaking News: American Eagle Officially Resigns as America’s Mascot, Says “I Just… Can’t Do This Anymore..”
by Steven W. Rouach
American traditionalists are quite saddened by the American Eagle’s decision to no longer be America’s symbol.
In a statement, written in a series of twigs, arranged to form English letters, (the popular avian version of Twitter), the iconic Eagle stated: “I’m sorry, I just.. can’t do this anymore. I wish the best of luck to my replacement and may God have mercy on all of our souls.”
This parting of the ways comes as no real surprise to many, as the news and youtube footage showing the Eagle being visibly, violently sick at the 2016 inauguration was shown ad nauseam, a reaction which White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said was: “because the Eagle was so happy and so excited about the new administration, it caused him to violently shake and projectile vomit”.
When asked why the Eagle also seemed to be openly weeping inconsolably, Spicer responded: “Those were tears of joy.”
The Eagle was also seen in the oval office, (as Trump signed executive orders pertaining to the Keystone XL and Dakota pipelines, and the complete dismantling of the EPA), diligently and repeatedly banging its own head against the corner of the president’s desk.
Trump, after carefully weighing the gravitas of the situation, responded by tweeting:
“The Eagle was getting fat anyway. He really went from being an 8 to being like a 4 1/2. Very Overrated. Sad. We’ll have a new mascot that will be terrific, really great, just the best mascot, really just the best, and really great and just a way better mascot. Just a way better replacement that will be really terriffic. The best replacement”
Thus far ideas for a replacement include:
Nagini -The Snake from Slytherin,
Gary, “the bear who will eventually eat Betsy DeVos”,
The Tasmanian Devil,
Paul “Eddie Munster” Ryan’s pet dragon Spot (who lives under his stairs),
Barry- the amphibious hatchling that came from Mitch “..and the Hare” Mcconnell’s neck,
and Scott Baio.
All other animals and God’s creatures claimed conflicting schedules for turning down the mascot position.
Reported by Steven W. Rouach
FUN FACT: Every time you hit the little “recommend” heart on the bottom of the page of one of my stories, an angel gets its wings, instead of plummeting to a horrifying certain death due to winglessness.
c2017 SWRouach.
