Congress Declares A Spa Holiday
After a chaotic first year in office, Congress awarded a stressed out nation a holiday from Trump.
Declaring the first Friday in February a spa holiday, Congress assured the American people the holiday would be paid for with Social Security cuts.
“It’s essentially a regifting of the American people’s safety net,” Senator Corker told reporters. “It was the least we could do after stealing their kids’ future with the billionaire tax cuts we passed.”
According to officials, the spa holiday was added to the tax bill at the last minute along with a provision to benefit Corker’s real estate holdings. “Yes, it’s true,” Corker admitted. “I’m shocked, shocked, shocked that I’m getting a huge tax break. I must have signed the bill in my sleep — it passed late at night after my bedtime.
“But I don’t want to talk about the millions I’ll be making,” he said. “Instead, in a terribly awkward segue, I’ll keep talking about the spa day so you can’t ask about the tax cuts I regifted to myself … “
When Corker was finally forced to take a breath after being revived by paramedics, a reporter asked him, “How can you possibly sign anything in your sleep?”and was immediately removed from the building along with protesters in wheelchairs.
“Thank God for the disabled,” Corker was overheard telling a staffer. “All you have to do is roll them out!” Later, Corker returned to his hotel in a limo where he was scheduled to count his money for the rest of the afternoon.
“Thank God for the disabled. All you have to do is roll them out!”
According to White House officials, the Department of Health and Human Services will be dispatching spa day coupons to millions of Americans in the coming weeks, courtesy of Social Security cuts.
“It’s fabulous,” one Hillary supporter declared upon hearing the news. “After 40 years of Social Security contributions, I’ll be able to get a return on my money now. I don’t have to wait six more years to collect it since it‘ll be gone anyway. Instead of retiring, I can stay active and keep working another 20 years.”
Other middle-class families responded to the news by asking how to cash in their spa coupons, which is not permitted under the legislation.
“We’re giving the American people a goddamn gift (with their own money) and they have the gall to ask how to exchange it for cash,” one congressman said. “That’s why the people with the most money are in charge.”
Besides, the occasional gripe about not being able to cash in their coupons, a majority of Americans responded favorably to the news.
“What’s a spa?” asked a woman in Iowa who lives on a farm. “Is that when I accidentally fall in the mud with the hogs? How fun is that!”
Another woman said, “Maybe the spa day will cure me of the inauguration day twitch I have in my eye.”
But not everyone was happy to hear the news. “They just want to slather me in oil, grill me and serve me to aliens in Area 51,” warned a Trump supporter from Texas.
Still, most Americans applauded the spa holiday provision added to the bill, which includes a rider that Trump must stay off social media and the news for an entire day. Many say the rider is as medicinal as the spa day will be.
Trump must stay off social media and the news for an entire day.
“What a relief!” A single mother told reporters. “A day without Trump will be just like a day without my abusive ex-husband. And I won’t need a restraining order!”
“The thought of not hearing Trump’s name for 24 hours is as rejuvenating as the martinis I drank every day to get through the year,” a Chicago housewife admitted.
A working mom from Topeka agreed. “I really need this!” she said. “I’ve aged 10 years in one. I used to jog every morning. Now I can barely get around with a cane.”
Congress is hopeful the spa holiday will prepare Americans for the second year of the Trump Administration, which is expected to be worse than the first, based on an increase in Trump’s Twitter rants toward the end of the year.
However, Trump’s Twitter outbursts didn’t dampen public enthusiasm for the holiday.
“I can’t wait for spa day 2019!” one woman said. “Maybe, I’ll be out of rehab by then cured of my opioid addiction.”
Spas staff-up for the holiday rush
With an expected surge in business, spas across America are busing in workers from Mexico with strong hands from picking corn.
When one congressman expressed concern about migrants massaging the American people, a spokesperson for the spa association said, “We’re going to decontaminate them and teach them several English phrases: ‘that hurts,’ ‘stop touching my privates’ and ‘no, you can’t marry my sister.’ I don’t care what the skeptics say. We’re going to make America relax again.”
The spa industry has already reported a significant rise in business in 2017 and is looking forward to three more years of Trump. “He’s the best thing to happen to the industry in years,” the spokesperson said, adding, “And it’s not just us. He’s helping other industries, too!”
The US Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives agreed, noting an uptick in sales of ‘anything that can kill you.’
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