Dear FBI Director James Comey, Your Mild Nausea Could Be Cancer
Hi Mr. Comey!
I’m sorry to hear you aren’t feeling well. I hope you made it back from the Senate judiciary committee hearing in one piece!
I have to admit, I got pretty concerned when you said you feel “mildly nauseous” at the suggestion that your investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails could have swayed the 2016 election. Considering the way you handled things two weeks before millions of Americans cast their votes, you should be experiencing crippling guilt or debilitating anxiety, not a little tummy ache!
This being said, I think you should look into some other reasons why your stomach feels icky. I know you’re busy with the Russians and Trump and whatnot, so I decided to make a list of medical diseases and conditions that could explain your mild nausea. Get better soon!
- Influenza
- Dehydration
- Cancer
- Not Getting All Of Your Poop Out In One Go
- Kidney Stones
- Gastroenteritis
- Low Blood Pressure
- Standing Up Too Fast When Mitt Romney Asks If You Want To Play Gin Rummy
- Hodgkin’s Disease
- Irrtable Bowel Syndrome
- Chugging A Carton Of Parmalat Milk Before It Goes Off
- Cholera
- Shingles
- Swallowing Water After Playing A Game Of Marco Polo At John McCain’s Pool Party
- Malaria
- Peptic Ulcer
- Measles
- Watching Two Girls One Cup For The First Time After Being Peer Pressured By A Group Of Teenage Italian Tourists Who Are Staying At The Same Ramada Inn As You
- Staph Infection
- Laughing Too Hard At Lindsey Graham’s Girl Name
- Lactose Intolerance
- Eating Too Many Complimentary Two-Bite Brownies In One Sitting
- Heat Exhaustion
- Indigestion
- Holding In A Big Fart