Dear FBI Director James Comey, Your Mild Nausea Could Be Cancer

James Comey after unsuccessfully asking lawmakers for Tums.

Hi Mr. Comey!

I’m sorry to hear you aren’t feeling well. I hope you made it back from the Senate judiciary committee hearing in one piece!

I have to admit, I got pretty concerned when you said you feel “mildly nauseous” at the suggestion that your investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails could have swayed the 2016 election. Considering the way you handled things two weeks before millions of Americans cast their votes, you should be experiencing crippling guilt or debilitating anxiety, not a little tummy ache!

This being said, I think you should look into some other reasons why your stomach feels icky. I know you’re busy with the Russians and Trump and whatnot, so I decided to make a list of medical diseases and conditions that could explain your mild nausea. Get better soon!

1. Influenza
2. Dehydration
3. Cancer
4. Not Getting All Of Your Poop Out In One Go
5. Kidney Stones
6. Gastroenteritis
7. Low Blood Pressure
8. Standing Up Too Fast When Mitt Romney Asks If You Want To Play Gin Rummy
9. Hodgkin’s Disease
10. Irrtable Bowel Syndrome
11. Chugging A Carton Of Parmalat Milk Before It Goes Off
12. Cholera
13. Shingles
14. Swallowing Water After Playing A Game Of Marco Polo At John McCain’s Pool Party
15. Malaria
16. Peptic Ulcer
17. Measles
18. Watching Two Girls One Cup For The First Time After Being Peer Pressured By A Group Of Teenage Italian Tourists Who Are Staying At The Same Ramada Inn As You
19. Staph Infection
20. Laughing Too Hard At Lindsey Graham’s Girl Name
21. Lactose Intolerance
22. Eating Too Many Complimentary Two-Bite Brownies In One Sitting
23. Heat Exhaustion
24. Indigestion
25. Holding In A Big Fart